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CapricornONE asks

Should I try and keep the peace and do as my ex has dictated until I am able to move out? What shall I do?  

Bitter Ex | Closed

Before I get to the problem in hand, there is a little bit of history I think is important to know about my relationship. (I’m sorry it is a little long).

It's funny times for me; about 5 and a half months ago my long term girlfriend of 6 years decided that she wanted to end our relationship.
Her reasoning was that she had begun to feel over the last couple of years, that the love had gone from between us. Though she cared and was comfortable with me, she saw me more and more as a friend or brother figure. Also, I had a tendency of being the more proactive one when it came to chores around the house, the sensible one with money and the one that would try and be calm and reasonable when arguments broke out, as well as being the one willing to find a solution. Worried that if the relationship continued she would slowly resent me more and more and that she was crushing me emotionally, she wanted to end it. (The old it’s not you, it’s me line).

She had said this sort of thing frequently over the 6 years of the relationship, say every 8 months. Sometimes it wasn’t too bad and sometimes really bad. I had never truly believed her, as she never seemed to be willing to take any decisive action and it was only when she was angry she said anything. Normally after she calmed down and she would be back to her normal self. During these rages she would get passionately angry and argument, and any attempt on my part to discuss the situation during or afterwards would normally result in her becoming angry again and picking at every possible error either on my part, hers or the world in general. In her words, “Apologies mean nothing. If you where truly sorry, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place!” Her logic would become absolute, as she would focus on small facts as her proof.

In a lot of ways I am now grateful that the relationship had ended and I never wanted her to feel unhappy. I was perhaps too compromising and willing to think that things would get better, but I knew that she would never have that with me. Now I realise that I was deluding myself that we had a healthy relationship and cared about her too much to allow her to stay in a relationship she had given up on. I had also I guess, grown tired to be the one always clearing up the mess, metaphorically and literally.

Now the next thing is this; two and a bit years ago we had moved from one town to another due to the housing market where we lived being to high and hoping to buy home rather than rent. Which after 6 months of job-hunting we finally did (though I did most of the leg work on the house while trying to prevent her from falling apart). Of course you can see where my problem is going. The house and mortgage is under both our names. With the housing market as it stands now, we can’t afford to really sell or to live separately, at least I cannot.

It doesn’t end there. I have consider just leaving it all behind and scrapping by, but it has been a hard time for me. A month before the brake-up, I had suffered a fit and had to go to the hospital for tests. Also before all this, I had introduced her to my male friend and work colleague (who works in a department next to mine) during a works day out. The two had gotten on really well, which pleased me, as since we had moved to here she had had no real friends. After the break-up she had gone to stay at his, as I need time alone being, understandably, upset.

She had never intended us to stop being friends and had wanted to continue to be part of my life especially as the MRI scans I had had due to the fit, showed an brain abnormality. By this time however, she had more or less moved in with my friend while still being responsible for paying half of the bill of our house and had started a relationship with him too. She clams, this was after our break-up that it happened. With no proof to the contrary (mysterious time away from home or “working late”), I want to believe her.

They are still in this relationship and I am still here in the house a lone with my Cat. Occasionally she comes to stay and even a few times I have been around there’s and on nights out. I don’t feel I have much room to protest as like I said she’s still paying for half of all the bills and I still care for her. It doesn’t help I work with him either, so cannot allow things to get heated between us. One good thing though is since this I have had time to reflect on where our relationship was broken and have come to terms with that. Also being ill and having test a lot means that I don’t think I could deal with moving out etc. I do feel I’m living in the shadow of the relationship still, with the house as dead weight we cannot shift. (Now we are getting up to date, here comes the argument I now face)

I have had other friends at work (in my department) that rallied around me after this had happened. Particularly being that my other ‘friend’ had more or less ‘jumped into bed’ with my ex-girlfriend only after a few weeks. There was on particular girl at work lets call her Z, who stood up for me, and though I don’t condoned how Z then went on to act around him at work (ignoring him and being short with him) Z’s heart has been in the right place. I believe that she had upset him somewhat making my ex have a growing resent for z, even though they had never met.

I wanted Z to come around one day, but worried that my ex would come around at the same time was pussyfooting around letting them meet. It was like a sitcom at one point as one would change the day they where going to come, as if it was destined that there would be a difficult situation. Just there are not hilarious consequences like a sitcom! This all was something I finally confronted her with a few days ago about. I couldn’t stand having to worry like that all the time. I was really upset and the medication I have been taking (an anti epileptic) can have the side effect of causing mood swings and depression that I showed signs of. (You will be glad to know I seen my doctor about this and am reducing the dose).

Anyway, my ex had a massive argument with me other this, as she believing I would be sleeping with Z in her house and that she didn’t trust her around her stuff. She also said she would never do that to me. Eventually we came to an arrangement where my ex would meet Z and my friends from work on a night out. Which we did. It didn’t go very well, but it probably didn’t help that I am really bad in social situation and didn’t do a good job of introducing everyone properly. My ex now resents Z more than ever and I don’t feel that I can ever bring anybody back to my home.

Sorry about the length :-)







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