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The posessive workmate attacks the ex, and now I don't know where I stand with either of them HELP!
Too TIRED of this situation to go into more detail than necessary, although those of you who helped with my last question may remember the entire situation...
But like many a bad situation it's grown three heads and is threatening to eat my life alive. My long term (and sudden) ex reappeared on the scene a month or two ago, to discover that we had a lovely little daughter together. He was delighted, and has made every effort to be part of her life and spend time with both her and me. I've made it clear to him that things between us are to stay strictly platonic, as I don't feel that I should trust him again after the drastic way he left me last time.
...but, I've been fighting off feelings for him. It's always been so natural to be with him, and we find ourselves kind of in-tune with each other around the house, in conversation, with our daughter... but I refuse to let that happen. It might be what I think I want, but I can't let that destroy my daughter's chance to know her father; if things went bad again.
In the meanwhile, a man friend of mine has suddenly shown the most crazy, and unexpected amount of interest. We've shared studio space for a year or so (he works in design, I work in development) and I guess I always sort of thought he had a bit of a thing for me. He's always been the perfect gentleman though, and ready to back off - I think the "abandoned with child" stereotype had him afraid to scare me off!
But since my ex reappeared on the scene, this man has become very posessive and protective of me and my daughter, which ended last night in him actually trying to come to blows with my ex. I arrived home with this man and another friend after catching a movie after work, and my ex was there already there minding our daughter. My friend became very alpha-male and began by being outright rude to him, and eventually ended up telling my ex to leave, and that he had no right anywhere near me. The other friend - a female from the studio who isn't as close - was very embarassed and left, and I was just ready to die of fury and humiliation. He had absolutely no right to interfere, and I told him so, at which point he tried to punch out my ex.
Now, my ex may have made a really, really stupidly bad mistake in the past by leaving me, but you know what? People break up all the time. He did it in a horrible way, but he was young and everyone acts stupidly sometimes. He had no idea I was pregnant, and since finding out he has a daughter has been doing everything in his power to become a proper part of her life, and mine, again. When he was attacked last night he stayed calm, dodged the other man as much as he could and then twisted his arm behind his back when he wouldn't stop. He asked him to leave, because he was upsetting our daughter, and to let me make my own decisions. All this while the other guy is screaming A******, C***, S*** etc in front of my three year old daughter, and kicking and screaming and acting like someone completely different. I was so furious at my 'friend', and shocked, and I had a screaming three year old to deal with.. I just had no idea what to do. The man was angry and embarassed after my ex got him under control, and shook him off, said a few threatening things and stormed off to the front door... where he tried to kiss me. Tried in rather a rough way, might I add. I threw him off and angrily whispered some pretty harsh things, then shoved him out the door and locked it.
And then I went back into the lounge, put my daughter to bed, and started kissing my ex, the man I stupidly never stopped loving.
Now, I really don't know what to do. A work relationship is teetering on ruins, both from his rudeness and attack on my ex-partner and the father of my child, and then on his frustrated semi-attack on me. He had been drinking lightly earlier in the nigt but he seemed sober, and I know he'd liked me for a long time. He may have felt the potential relationship with me was threatened by my ex's arrival, but I have never given him encouragement in that line and his behavior was completely out of line, and I told him off for it. He is one of the higherups in the small business I rent the studio space from, and my current lease ends in three months.
I don't know whether he, or I should or will be the one to end the lease, and I don't think after the violence and hatefulness of last night we can really go back to friendly office aquaitences. I feel kind of vulnerable at the idea of going into work, and I make more than enough profit to rent somewhere else. But it's just so much... upheaval, I guess.
My ex stayed the night, and then left very early in the morning before our daughter could wake up - he didn't want to confuse her. He told me he thought this was a good thing, but it was up to me, and that he'd give me some time to think about it and talk to me tomorrow. What I did didn't feel weak, or like I was giving in to temptation... it was like being slapped upside the head with a "why have you been wasting all this time?!". But all those reasons not to are still there, and I don't know whether to trust myself with this.
So... I'm thinking...!? And my mind is going round and round, and I have no idea what I should do, about any of it.
1. I had resolved not to become romantically involved with my ex, for our daughters sake.
2. The flip side of the coin: I feel like it would work, and having two parents in a healthy relationship would do her good. (Who am I kidding, it would do ME good).
3. Although he had no right to interfere, this situation has really damaged a friendship I was just beginning to solidify with the man friend from the studio.
4. The man friend himself really damaged both his personal and professional relationship with me, both by interfering in my personal business to the point of violence, then by his almost violent attempt to kiss me.
5. I don't know whether to let this go past without sorting it out or not, and I don't know whether I should let this effect my business arrangements. But I'm not comfortable with the idea of working near/seeing him again. I want to wring his neck to be honest.
6. I want my ex, I miss him and I fit with him, and the single stupid decision he made when he was younger - to pack up and abandon his entire life until it caught up to him - might not hace to go on ruining my own life.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away from this whole life, the way he did. Pack my daughter up, change our names, and take off. But every other part of me wants to stay. I have no idea which part is being smart right now. Please help.
Updates
Just wanted to add this note: I have actually been very circumspect in my workplace with these details, however I let people know that I might have to bring my daughter in for a few days when this first happened, as I wasn't happy to leave her at home with the sitter with my ex likely to show up.
It's a shared studio space, a few creative types (and 1 small business that owns the actual building) share it, but we all have our own areas. This man is from the small business, and often stops by my office and studio area to chat and see how things are going. "Flirting" really. He was curious about about the ex situation, but I pretty much told him straight off that I wasn't prepared to talk about it. He has hinted a few times at wanting to know more, but I really haven't been comfortable talking about it at all, other to let people know (a few weeks later) that he would be coming by to pick me up, and should be buzzed through. I continued hanging out occaisionally with some people I am friendly with there, and it was after one of these outings (to see Inception) that this entire incident happened. Totally out of the blue, and unreasonable. Don't worry, i've already informed the owner of his business that I won't be continuing my rent, and have started looking at other spaces. It's actually quite good, because I've been vaguely thinking about expanding a bit but never made the push. This is kind of what I needed!
And on the matter of me breaking my own decision about the ex? Well, I wont even say it was weakness, but rather - willfullness :P I've pretty much always wanted him back, and aside from some inital bewilderment and hurt, I knew that. I was stupid trying to pretend to myself that I didn't.
I've talked about it with him now, and he agrees that it's far more important for him to establish his own relationship with his daughter. To that purpose, he started renting a house a few suburbs over! Apparently he's been planning it for awhile, but just got it finalised yesterday. In the years since he left, every time I imagined him finding out about his daughter... I never, ever imagined he would take it so well, be so delighted, or be so GOOD at it! I guess I turned him into a bit of a monster in my mind, when really... he just... broke up with me. *shrugs*
Anyway, I've talked to him about my mixed signals, and been honest with him, and we're going to try and stop 'playing house' because that's all just more pretend. We need to live life honestly through this period, so he'll be having her over at his house sometimes, and we'll start splitting time up more as she gets more used to him. I think it's really important for him to have her on his own terms, rather than always being the visitor in my house. And I think it's important for me to get to know him as a person again, rather than some sort of ghost-boyfriend who can finish buttering my toast, and help set the table with no directions. We know each other too well to be able to interact that closely without slipping back into old habits. And I don't want him as an old habit I can't kick, I want him to fit into our new life properly.
And I do want that. I guess it's going to take awhile, but at least I'm admitting to myself (and sidetaker!) what I want now :P
But like many a bad situation it's grown three heads and is threatening to eat my life alive. My long term (and sudden) ex reappeared on the scene a month or two ago, to discover that we had a lovely little daughter together. He was delighted, and has made every effort to be part of her life and spend time with both her and me. I've made it clear to him that things between us are to stay strictly platonic, as I don't feel that I should trust him again after the drastic way he left me last time.
...but, I've been fighting off feelings for him. It's always been so natural to be with him, and we find ourselves kind of in-tune with each other around the house, in conversation, with our daughter... but I refuse to let that happen. It might be what I think I want, but I can't let that destroy my daughter's chance to know her father; if things went bad again.
In the meanwhile, a man friend of mine has suddenly shown the most crazy, and unexpected amount of interest. We've shared studio space for a year or so (he works in design, I work in development) and I guess I always sort of thought he had a bit of a thing for me. He's always been the perfect gentleman though, and ready to back off - I think the "abandoned with child" stereotype had him afraid to scare me off!
But since my ex reappeared on the scene, this man has become very posessive and protective of me and my daughter, which ended last night in him actually trying to come to blows with my ex. I arrived home with this man and another friend after catching a movie after work, and my ex was there already there minding our daughter. My friend became very alpha-male and began by being outright rude to him, and eventually ended up telling my ex to leave, and that he had no right anywhere near me. The other friend - a female from the studio who isn't as close - was very embarassed and left, and I was just ready to die of fury and humiliation. He had absolutely no right to interfere, and I told him so, at which point he tried to punch out my ex.
Now, my ex may have made a really, really stupidly bad mistake in the past by leaving me, but you know what? People break up all the time. He did it in a horrible way, but he was young and everyone acts stupidly sometimes. He had no idea I was pregnant, and since finding out he has a daughter has been doing everything in his power to become a proper part of her life, and mine, again. When he was attacked last night he stayed calm, dodged the other man as much as he could and then twisted his arm behind his back when he wouldn't stop. He asked him to leave, because he was upsetting our daughter, and to let me make my own decisions. All this while the other guy is screaming A******, C***, S*** etc in front of my three year old daughter, and kicking and screaming and acting like someone completely different. I was so furious at my 'friend', and shocked, and I had a screaming three year old to deal with.. I just had no idea what to do. The man was angry and embarassed after my ex got him under control, and shook him off, said a few threatening things and stormed off to the front door... where he tried to kiss me. Tried in rather a rough way, might I add. I threw him off and angrily whispered some pretty harsh things, then shoved him out the door and locked it.
And then I went back into the lounge, put my daughter to bed, and started kissing my ex, the man I stupidly never stopped loving.
Now, I really don't know what to do. A work relationship is teetering on ruins, both from his rudeness and attack on my ex-partner and the father of my child, and then on his frustrated semi-attack on me. He had been drinking lightly earlier in the nigt but he seemed sober, and I know he'd liked me for a long time. He may have felt the potential relationship with me was threatened by my ex's arrival, but I have never given him encouragement in that line and his behavior was completely out of line, and I told him off for it. He is one of the higherups in the small business I rent the studio space from, and my current lease ends in three months.
I don't know whether he, or I should or will be the one to end the lease, and I don't think after the violence and hatefulness of last night we can really go back to friendly office aquaitences. I feel kind of vulnerable at the idea of going into work, and I make more than enough profit to rent somewhere else. But it's just so much... upheaval, I guess.
My ex stayed the night, and then left very early in the morning before our daughter could wake up - he didn't want to confuse her. He told me he thought this was a good thing, but it was up to me, and that he'd give me some time to think about it and talk to me tomorrow. What I did didn't feel weak, or like I was giving in to temptation... it was like being slapped upside the head with a "why have you been wasting all this time?!". But all those reasons not to are still there, and I don't know whether to trust myself with this.
So... I'm thinking...!? And my mind is going round and round, and I have no idea what I should do, about any of it.
1. I had resolved not to become romantically involved with my ex, for our daughters sake.
2. The flip side of the coin: I feel like it would work, and having two parents in a healthy relationship would do her good. (Who am I kidding, it would do ME good).
3. Although he had no right to interfere, this situation has really damaged a friendship I was just beginning to solidify with the man friend from the studio.
4. The man friend himself really damaged both his personal and professional relationship with me, both by interfering in my personal business to the point of violence, then by his almost violent attempt to kiss me.
5. I don't know whether to let this go past without sorting it out or not, and I don't know whether I should let this effect my business arrangements. But I'm not comfortable with the idea of working near/seeing him again. I want to wring his neck to be honest.
6. I want my ex, I miss him and I fit with him, and the single stupid decision he made when he was younger - to pack up and abandon his entire life until it caught up to him - might not hace to go on ruining my own life.
I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to run away from this whole life, the way he did. Pack my daughter up, change our names, and take off. But every other part of me wants to stay. I have no idea which part is being smart right now. Please help.
Updates
Just wanted to add this note: I have actually been very circumspect in my workplace with these details, however I let people know that I might have to bring my daughter in for a few days when this first happened, as I wasn't happy to leave her at home with the sitter with my ex likely to show up.
It's a shared studio space, a few creative types (and 1 small business that owns the actual building) share it, but we all have our own areas. This man is from the small business, and often stops by my office and studio area to chat and see how things are going. "Flirting" really. He was curious about about the ex situation, but I pretty much told him straight off that I wasn't prepared to talk about it. He has hinted a few times at wanting to know more, but I really haven't been comfortable talking about it at all, other to let people know (a few weeks later) that he would be coming by to pick me up, and should be buzzed through. I continued hanging out occaisionally with some people I am friendly with there, and it was after one of these outings (to see Inception) that this entire incident happened. Totally out of the blue, and unreasonable. Don't worry, i've already informed the owner of his business that I won't be continuing my rent, and have started looking at other spaces. It's actually quite good, because I've been vaguely thinking about expanding a bit but never made the push. This is kind of what I needed!
And on the matter of me breaking my own decision about the ex? Well, I wont even say it was weakness, but rather - willfullness :P I've pretty much always wanted him back, and aside from some inital bewilderment and hurt, I knew that. I was stupid trying to pretend to myself that I didn't.
I've talked about it with him now, and he agrees that it's far more important for him to establish his own relationship with his daughter. To that purpose, he started renting a house a few suburbs over! Apparently he's been planning it for awhile, but just got it finalised yesterday. In the years since he left, every time I imagined him finding out about his daughter... I never, ever imagined he would take it so well, be so delighted, or be so GOOD at it! I guess I turned him into a bit of a monster in my mind, when really... he just... broke up with me. *shrugs*
Anyway, I've talked to him about my mixed signals, and been honest with him, and we're going to try and stop 'playing house' because that's all just more pretend. We need to live life honestly through this period, so he'll be having her over at his house sometimes, and we'll start splitting time up more as she gets more used to him. I think it's really important for him to have her on his own terms, rather than always being the visitor in my house. And I think it's important for me to get to know him as a person again, rather than some sort of ghost-boyfriend who can finish buttering my toast, and help set the table with no directions. We know each other too well to be able to interact that closely without slipping back into old habits. And I don't want him as an old habit I can't kick, I want him to fit into our new life properly.
And I do want that. I guess it's going to take awhile, but at least I'm admitting to myself (and sidetaker!) what I want now :P
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