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Boyfriend Still Feels Guilt After 3 Years
Boyfriend (40 yr old) of several months, has been divorced now for 3 years. He has two kids - 18 years old and 16 years old. The 18 year old is off to college. The 16 year old is still 50% shared time with each parent. (There's no drama - they're really great kids!) BF still converses and cajoles with ex-wife - a bit outside of the kids coordination. She (his ex-wife) often says things to him that gets his emotions flared up and he'll converse with her about it as if they were still together. He tells me that he will continue to talk to her as he does because he feels guilty that he caused her to divorce him based on trust issues. (She won't ever meet me - makes me feel like she's not over him because of that.) His actions make me question whether he has really gotten over the fact he is divorced (maybe more so because it wasn't him to file for it). I've been divorced for nearly two years (married for over 10 years), and after several months of counseling, I woke up one day with a 180 degree view of my marriage/divorce and knew from that day, I had no issues with being divorced, accepted it and readily moved on to live my life fuller. That being said, should I consider ending this relationship because I'm dating someone who will not "cut the cord" due to his guilt over something he can not change - it only can help him learn to be better for the future? I find his stubbornness to be taxing and I'm starting to view his inability to realize that in 5 years of dating/divorced time (he was separated for some time) that his longest realtionships are only about 6 months long. I think if other women had to deal with this as well, it explains his poor track record. It comes off as immature and stoic to me - - and, I'm afraid any more time spent trying to debate this with him may be lost time for me. Thanks in advance for your time!
best answer by lbe123...
this definitely must be a tough situation for you. sure, it takes a lot of time to get over a divorce, especially if it was one-sided and one partner didn't want it to happen. it seems like they both didn't really want it, but that it was necessary which is why it could take extra long for him to accept its over and move on. still, he shouldn't be in contact with her, arguing with her still, etc., etc. he should at least be making some effort to move on, now that the divorce is final. its not like they're still separated, they are actually divorced so it should be sinking in now and he should be mourning and then moving on. i would try one last time to reach him and make him see that continuing contact with her in this way will only make it harder for him to move on and will only strain his relationship with his ex anyway..making it no easier to maintain a healthy relationship for the kids' sake. sure he may feel guilty, but he will feel tons more guilt later realizing his constant arguing and back and forth with the ex caused a lot of confusion and anger in the children.
my dad still has not really moved on from his divorce with my mom, over TEN years ago, he's just learned to live with it. he didn't want it, but it was pretty much his fault...so now he has to live with that fact and has learned how to move on, but he regrets it to this day i think. you guy may never get over the feelings of guilt, but he should at least stop contacting his ex wife to rehash the reasons they split up. the divorce is final and it's time for him to accept it and begin to move on.
this definitely must be a tough situation for you. sure, it takes a lot of time to get over a divorce, especially if it was one-sided and one partner didn't want it to happen. it seems like they both didn't really want it, but that it was necessary which is why it could take extra long for him to accept its over and move on. still, he shouldn't be in contact with her, arguing with her still, etc., etc. he should at least be making some effort to move on, now that the divorce is final. its not like they're still separated, they are actually divorced so it should be sinking in now and he should be mourning and then moving on. i would try one last time to reach him and make him see that continuing contact with her in this way will only make it harder for him to move on and will only strain his relationship with his ex anyway..making it no easier to maintain a healthy relationship for the kids' sake. sure he may feel guilty, but he will feel tons more guilt later realizing his constant arguing and back and forth with the ex caused a lot of confusion and anger in the children.
my dad still has not really moved on from his divorce with my mom, over TEN years ago, he's just learned to live with it. he didn't want it, but it was pretty much his fault...so now he has to live with that fact and has learned how to move on, but he regrets it to this day i think. you guy may never get over the feelings of guilt, but he should at least stop contacting his ex wife to rehash the reasons they split up. the divorce is final and it's time for him to accept it and begin to move on.
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