I Love Him, But He Cheated, Lies And Is Uncomitted

"The story title makes me feel like an idiot--a masochist... why am I in love and giving a second chance to this person?

This past February 08 I started seeing my X (Guy X) again for the second time... after a two year very serious relationship had ended with another guy (Guy Y). During the relationship with Guy Y, I still had feelings for Guy X.

It started off casually... no commitments. But it also started out with a lie. In Nov 07 he kissed me and then disappeared. In Dec 07 he went home to Africa and was in a sexual relationship with a girl. When I saw him in Feb 08... he showed me pictures of his Xmas vacation back home when he came to visit me at gradschool (we had started talking again after two years or limited interaction/communication while I dated Guy Y)... there were lots of pictures of the girl. I asked him if he was seeing her.. I had no problem with it but would most likely not become anymore intimate with him because I would think he was playing me..... and he said no, that he was not involved or that nothing had happened with the girl.

We slept together that night and the next morning when i asked about the girl again.. he told me the truth. He had a passionate fling with her. I was upset.

Later on it turns out he talks to her on chat all the time and she wanted to visit him in NYC. He said it was ok because it was casual, no commitment and feelings (and because there is no feelings, he thought it was one of the best experiences he's had). I told him I would not accept that.. that we were exclusive and she had feelings for him. She then told him she had feelings for him and that is why she wanted to visit him. In order to accommodate me, then he supposedly told her not to visit him... but he didnt tell her he was in a relationship... only that he didnt have feelings for her so she shouldnt go and visit him.

We continued to see each other casually. We talked on the phone a lot. We were intimate but no formal commitment as girlfriend/boyfriend.

Over the summer.. I was traveling around the world and came back to the US because my grandmother and cousin had died. It was very hard for me. I stayed at his place I think. He was emotionally there for me, until somehow I blurted out that we were in a relationship and he freaked out and said no.. that he wasnt ready for one. He didn't want to be with anyone else, but he didn't want a relationship with me or anyone else either. I got upset. I was angry at him.

Then my uncle died a month later. I was also looking for work.. so I was very down. He really tried to be supportive and be there for me.

Since then... he has also said that he wants to try to be in a relationship with me because he doesn't want to loose me. But he still wavers. One day he is in love, other days he is not. He says the relationship has no passion, etc. I usually have to visit him as he lives in another city now. And he lies about other women. I have publicly had to find out that he was trying to date/pick up other woman (two in particular) but he keeps telling me he is not interested in anyone else and wants to give the relationship a try. He says he is not "in love" with me, but loves me. He says he used to be "in love" with me.

I am so tried.. I am tired of him lying... wavering and alwwwwwways finding a reason why this relationship is not worth any real commitment and effort on his part.

Ive come to the point where I really want to close this chapter in my life and move one. Should I end all communication with him? Never speak to him again. Break everything and start a new chapter.. especially because of the history between us (really important history to read below)? Or do I believe he really does love me and that when he finally commits he will change ( as this is what he tell me, but honestly, at this point, very little of me believes this anymore,.. but this is what has kept me going and trying to make this relationship work in the past).

HISTORY.....

I've known Guy X for 5 years, and from the beginning we had a profound connection. I hesitated and was afraid at first to pursue anything more than a friendship with him, because he was a smooth talker and everyone knows him as a womanizer--he loves ladies.

We talked on the phone for hours on end, and I felt very close to him. I ended up loosing my virginity to him and we dated for almost a year in the same city... but it was not an easy relationship.

Guy X at first always compared me to his ex muslim girlfriend of 3 years. He always told me that he did not feel the passion and fire with me that he did with his X and that that is why he didn't want to be in a relationship with me. He generally was not very affectionate or romantic, even though we were intimate and we enjoyed each others company.

He freaked out when I called him my boyfriend one day. He would not let me meet his friends and family and blamed it on either his desire to be reserved or the fact that he was in gradschool, living at home with very controlling parents that hardly let him leave the house. He also said it was not in his culture to bring home women unless he was going to marry them (he is an East African muslim). It was hard for me... I am a catholic Latin girl. I have an idea that men are supposed to be attentive to women, of chivalry... the latin lover of sorts. He was and is faaaaaaaaaaaar from that.

Overall, I was not very happy about the relationship and how he treated me... but I was in love with him and couldnt bear the thought of not having him in my life. I always had to force him to come out and see me... to do anything with me, even though he always ended up enjoying himself. I tried to be understanding about the situation he was living in. There were moments though, when he was sweet and I felt he was in love too.

Then I decided to move to Senegal for work.. and he did not want to continue the relationship long distance. The move was very hard for me. We talked on the phone at least once a week. I got depressed, I missed him so much. I cried, and even thought to myself, I want to spend my life with this person... I have never had this connection with anyone...never felt so in love. We continued to talk on the phone... and even though we werent officially together anymore, we told each other we loved each other. We talked all the time and it was implicit that we would not see anyone else.

Three months later, I came back to the US for Xmas. He picked me up at the airport, and we surprised my mother for Xmas at a family party. He stayed at the party with my family.

Before I returned to Senegal, he lent me his phone, and i found text messages from him to a girl... they were rated R, XXX pornographic messages about what he would do to her, etc. It was awful. It was disgusting,, vulgur, awful. But deep down, I wasn't surprised, I knew what he was capable of. I always told myself, this is a bad relationship.

I confronted him about what I saw... at first he lied. He always lies. He said nothing had ever happened with the girl, that he was just horny.... that he wanted to tell me about it. He also told me about another girl, with whom he had had "an instant connection". They had gone on dates to the movies. He had gone to her house but all they did was kiss and then her ex showed up and he broke it off. He said he was sorry...but he was not panic stricken, only more like ashamed.

I was devastated. My entire flight from the US to Paris, Paris to Senegal I cried. I got extremely depressed. Lost 20 pounds. Could not eat. I continued to talk to him. I wanted to forgive him so I would not be angry or depressed. To move on. I said I would never take back someone that could do that to me... but I couldnt handle it. I told him all the things that he had to do in order for me to stay with him. But he didn't really do them. He called me, we talked on the phone... he felt bad... but he never made a real effort. For months, I thought about it all the time. I felt broken. Humiliated.. until the point were I blocked it mentally. I knew what he did, but could no longer bring myself to think of the things I had found on the phone. I was miserable. And more than anything, I wanted to forget and believe it never had happened. It was like post trauma.

There was another Guy, Y, who was very wealthy and handsome. He had been chasing me for the past year and I always rejected him because I was in love with Guy X. Everyone loved Guy Y and said I should marry him. He treated me so well, he dotted on me. We became incresingly close... even though things with Guy X got a little better in the sense that I think maybe there was more closeness but I also was pulling out of the depression.

Until one day, Guy X told me about his brother who was getting married to a white girl from the mid west. He said interracial couples were not good, disliked the fact that the fiance was white. I couldn't believe what he told me (I am mixed race). I cut it off and officially ended the relationship then.

I eventually started dating Guy Y... but hesitated because I knew I wasnt ready for a new relationship. We dated for almost two years.. but he was extremely jealous of Guy X. I tried to be Guy Xs friend, and i admit I still had feelings for him. I feel in love with Guy Y, but I hurt him. Things fell apart.

One day, I heard from a close friend of mine, who I introduced Guy X to in order to help him find a job. Guy X told my friend, who then told me, that Guy X thought it was so unattractive how much I liked him. That I liked him more than he liked me. I cried again when I heard this and Guy Y was upset. Guy Y and I fought a lot over Guy X and the relationship ended badly. ...view more"