"Is This Normal?"

"i am in a relation with someone, pretty goog one. Devoted boyfriend that what I thought. 4 months ago I went to his phone I know invaded privacy and i sow many text messages exactly the same he was sending me to a woman that was his ex lover for 13 years plus before we star dating I saw him cheating in the bathroom of the company office with her. Last weekend I find this letter in his mail "My heart still really aches over Thursday night, I am so sorry that I said so many hurtful and cruel things to you. I just wanted you to feel the pain I was but it was wrong of me. I hope you know how much you mean to me and what a special part of my life you are. I have been struggling alot lately in my heart, my soul and my life. My life has changed so much in the past few years and the direction it has taken scares me. I love being a Mom, and would never change that in my life, but being a stay at home Mom wasn't ever in my plans, I love working and having a career, I feel like I am wasting away sometimes being at home, but then I am scared to leave my girls and not be there for them and watch them grow. I have been very lonely in the suburbs, I haven't made any true friends, I find people arent always kind, I miss the life I had before and the freedom I had to go out and spend time with the people I care about. I have to much time on my hands to think, I think about everything, I wonder if I have been too scared and stupid in my life and made the easy choices rather than the ones that may have been harder but made me happier in the end. I think about us a lot, the real us, +=what life would be like, I think about the night before my wedding, how I wanted to pick up the phone but was too scared to..now its 10 years later and so much has changed but hasn't changed at all. I just feel like I live two lives in my heart and it is starting to take its toll on me. I wish I knew what to do, I just want to make everyone in my life happy, to be free to love who I want. I just want you to know I didn't mean it when I said I dint like you or that I wished I could erase history, or any of it. I am just trying to get by, get through everyday, sometimes I think it would be easier to not have you in my life that it would make the pain go away, but it would be like having my arm cut off, I could get by without it, but my life is so much better with it. I know I am babbling. I just had to get it out. There is so much I have bottled up in me I could write for years. I know you have had a lot of tough times over the years, and I do understand them, I do, I think about your side of things more than you know or that I let you see. Just know you mean the world me and I couldnt or wouldnt want to live with out you.". He said they are just friends? is this normal?. what can I do?...view more"