I Miss My Husband...Terribly

"My husband of almost 7 years and the love of my life and my very best friend told me the end of July he has been having an affair. One week later, unknown to me, walked out of our [legally his] home while I was working and has not returned. He moved into his own apartment and I'm certain he is not alone. Meanwhile, I am in utter shock and now living my life like a sudden widow. Within the last six weeks, my world has had to make some drastic life altering changes, while trying for the life of me what happened.
Mind you, he does call because he is worried about me, tells me I absolutely did notthing wrong to deserve what he did, apologizes, and tells me he 'does" love me but he simply just doesn't like being married. He knows I have always been a devoted wife to him [even to this day], work hard to help pay the finances; love him unconditionally, etc.
Being a shock to me and love him as much as I did the day we got married....my focus is to save our marriage. Suggestions to seek couseling are denied because what was "our" life has now become "his" life...his happiness, etc. My family and friends said he obviously moved on with his life months ago with his new relationship so reconcilation is definitely not on his mind. I just need to move on without him although for me...my heart belongs to him and it literally hurts without him. This just happened way to fast for me and while I am grieving the loss, I am suppose to do my job to pay all the bills he left behind; and be a single parent again. Mind you, my kids [22, 20, & 15] are from my previous marriage but they call him Dad and he was an active part of their lives being a Dad to them and supported me in raising them.
He does love me but claims he is not "in" love with me; we do talk with no arguments; he hugs & gives me kisses because he knows he hurt me terribly and apologizes for what he did but he did and doesn't want to come home ...because he said it would be out of guilt.
My choice is bring his attention back to me but how or just let him go because if he really loved me..he wouldn't let anybody come between us. Is he using my emotions to his benefit to give me some hope...so I will be his doormat if his new "toy" not work out?
Everyday, I live on a roller coaster....somedays I am determined to prove that I am his true love, while some days I just don't know if I can ever really trust him again. Other days, I cry and cry and cry. While other days I am determined to be the stronger one and he will someday regret ever losing me.
Thoughts, Prayers, & Suggestions welcomed. [I'm in my mid 40s]

New Side Updates
"My observations:
In mid July, we celebrated my oldest daughter's birthday at our house with family & friends. My husband picked up her cake on his way home from work and we socialized and prepared dinner as planned. My husband & I gave each other a kiss as we always do after work and our discussions with our guests were typical family, job, sports, etc. We were a normal married couple and I had no clue my life was about to make a drastic change within the next two weeks.
At one point during the festivities, I found a brief moment when only he and I were in the kitchen together....and I gave him a huge hug and kiss and reminded him how much I loved him. He replied mutually.
During the following week, he stopped by my work, which he did now and then. This same day, I had learned some sad news. Knowing I had to go home and tell my kids this news, I wanted his advice how. I also knew this issue may not be easy for my husband to hear because it meant hearing about my ex. [Who I do not like at all]. However, I was talking about my children's grandparent and making the right choices for them. My husband was fine with and offered his suggestions, but I sensed some distance from him....and asked him...what is going on? I mentioned the kids noticed you made a lunch and put it in a box and left. Thinking he made me lunch and was bringing it to me...they asked if I liked my lunch. That is when I knew something was going on. I flat out asked him...did he meet somebody? He said, "No but he is thinking about it." Totally in shock, I
said we need to talk. Obviously he was on his way to work and so I had to wait and worry. Because of our work schedules and older kids needing to be everywhere, our talk had to wait a few days. During these few days and before our talk, I had called home from work to check in as I normally do. Two of my kids were home and I talked to them. Not remembering if my husband had to work or not, I asked if he was home. I was told he left just before lunch. I asked them did he go to work? She said...no because he was in shorts and a t-shirt. Thinking he stepped out for a few which he often does...he would be back soon. If he was having an affair, he would have been home before I came home from work to cover his tracks. Expecting to see him when I came home, he wasn't. Wanting to trust him and thinking he did have the day off, I just assumed he went and did something such as golf, go to a movie, etc [which he has done]. Dinner came and gone and now I was
becoming worried but also suspicious. Worried because if he was being faithful, he may have car trouble or something happened and his cell phone was not working. By 9pm, I decided to call his work to see if he was there. Sure enough he was there and was working the afternoon shift. I told him the kids said you left in street clothes [he has never gone to work not dressed for work]. He said, it was too hot that day [we don't have a/c] and decided to change there. I knew at that point, my suspicions were indeed correct. I reminded him, he has never gone to work not dressed for work regardless of the weather, his car and work have air conditioning, so there was no excuse other than he met his new "fling" before going to work. I reminded him that we met and started dating, while our previous marriages were going through divorces. [Off the record, our previous divorces were already filed just not signed by the judge yet, when my now husband and I met. The difference
now is, my husband and I were not even talking about divorce much less filing. I literally was the last to know.]

That Friday, he confessed that he met somebody...and I asked him did you sleep with her. He said yes. Thinking it was only once, not knowing when this started, or where, or who. Obviously, I am not believing what I am hearing....all I could ask was why, what did I do, I love you, I have always loved you, I would never do that to you. Etc. Over the next few days, he stayed in our home, slept next to me, held me because he knew he hurt me, comforted me when I cried, said he was sorry....but he was not happy. I was overwhelmed with dis-belief because I have been so committed to him, this marriage, the "home" we were building, etc. I have never been unfaithful to him, always contributed to the finances, very well; told him I loved him everyday; made sure we went on dates to be husband and wife and not just parents,etc. I simply couldn't and still can't understand what I did to make him unhappy. Going on... If I went into another
room to cry....not once did he come to see if I was okay. In fact, he fell asleep and only turned over when I did come back to bed. All I wanted to know was what did I do wrong, lets seek counseling because I don't understand, and if I did or didn't do something...I didn't know, apologized, and am determined to save this marriage. To this very email, I tell him I love him...whether it is by phone, sent in a card, or just looking at his picture. Begging him to stay and work things out because we are worth fighting for....I believe in us and promised him I would be here through good times and bad. So we hit a bad time....I am still here.
By August 4th, I came home from work and he was gone. My youngest who is 15 saw him pack a "small" suitcase and leave. Being small and most of his stuff is still here...he will eventually return. However each day that passes....tells me his return is only to leave again. I can't bear anymore rejection from the man I am so in love with. He rented an apartment with the money which was for our mortgage payment and has yet to come sleep with his wife.
It has been almost 6-7 weeks and I am lost without him. Not that I need him but that I want him in my life. The comfort and security I felt with him is gone, Every night he would rub my back until I fell asleep...is no longer there. He was always there to support my choices when my children were challenging me with theirs, and we always talked a few times a day just because. I was getting into football and enjoyed watching the games with him and the days he worked, I would keep him updated on the score. If we were both off Friday evenings we went out to dinner alone and had a few drinks. Now there is nothing but silence, the phone rings and it is never him, cars drive by and there never his. I am trying to fix the plumbing problems, close the pool for the winter, learn maintenance jobs...which he did. Although he said he would pay the mortgage, he hasn't. When he abandoned me he took half of our income with him. I am now paying for everything except the mortgage because I can't afford it. While his
income [which legally is still ours] is paying for his bachelor's life because this is about "him" not us. While being alone now, except for the kids....I have been cleaning the house for fear of being evicted. Doing so, I found proof that this fling has been going on since last winter.

My head is telling me to move on, I can do better, can I trust him again, etc. But my heart says...he is worth fighting for, he still lives in m heart, and I will always love him unlike my ex-husband. Above all, all I am asking him for is a chance to work on saving our relationship at least once. He fell in love with me before and he said he doesn't not regret marrying me. He admits, I have done nothing wrong to deserve his actions but he did. "Our" house is not the same without him, this kids miss him, and we remind him we all love him and want him to come home. All he can say is....I don't see it happening. My instincts [woman's intuition] says he will be back. Maybe not tomorrow or next year, maybe not for ten but he will. The problem is ....will I?
This week's update, for my side of this....my son who will be 22 next week....actually went and talked to him [mind you my son does
not show compassion very well] and told him we miss him and was he and the girls the blame for leaving their mother. My kids can be very demanding, selfish, & disrespectful more than we like, my husband said no. My son told him....Mom cries everyday since you left and "your" house is spotless because she works so hard to keep it perfect for you. According to my son, my husband said....she needs to get over me. These words struck a cord with me because not even a few weeks ago we were celebrating my daughter's birthday as a normal married couple. I have no clue what happened but I am to get over him? Next morning at work...there was a voicemail from him. Mind you he left it the same night he talked to my son and told him I need to get over him. His message was kind, caring, and apologizing for not calling sooner but he has been sick [which I believe because I could hear it in his
voice] and we will get together for dinner and a drink soon to talk. I'm sure it will be for more rejection and heartache. I can only pray....he will realize how much he means to me and I am committed to this marriage and us.
What hurts so much is ....he won't even try to save our marriage at least once before making the decision to stay or go. Perhaps, I will learn, we were not meant to be together but perhaps, he may learn he will be making a huge mistake if we split. Perhaps our marriage will be stronger than ever now and we will learn something we didn't see before. All I know is right now, he has new arm candy to enjoy and it must be exciting. However all new things become old and then what?

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