Is There A Future For Us?

"I was cautious because I had let myself get to like CC too much in the past. I had a crush on her, and visited her in two years ago and things were very weird when I did visit. I could tell she were weirded out by the thought of me coming just to visit her. And it was at that point that she moved things towards us being just friends, which, while we did see each other again in romantic sense when I came back later, seemed to be where things were heading. And I continued to have a crush her, despite the distance, but I thought she was not interested in a relationship. I felt like she was reticent about my flirtatious advances, until finally the whole thing unraveled and she said she just wanted to kind of be friends, and that's how i took it. But, for that whole time, I felt like we were in a complicated relationship. And I didn't know what that meant exactly, I didn't think it meant that anybody was exclusive, and I still think I'm confused about the whole thing.

I'm not resentful of any of that...I believe I irrationally started to like you too much and that you reacted appropriately (generally). I felt that, after I visited this summer and we started to have a romantic relationship, that this was an extension of that first romantic relationship. More intense, yes, but still an extension of that complicated relationship. And I didn't try to clarify the relationship and what it was to either of us (just as I didn't try to clarify it before), but neither did you. To me, it was this ambiguous thing that could coalesce into something more serious...but I don't feel that it had coalesced into that...and, just as before, I didn't want to force anything to coalesce (though, before, I didn't seek clarification because I thought that it'd make you antsy about the whole thing, and I wanted to let feeling grow on your end to match mine, and now I didn't seek clarification because I thought that the act of defining what we were might also end the relationship).

I agree I should have been more upfront concerning my feelings this summer, or at least, we both should have talked more about where we saw things going or what this was. But I didn't lie to her about the other girl in May or otherwise. The other girl broke up with me. Not that she ever was my girlfriend, but she definitely wasn't my girlfriend this summer, and she's not now. But, I didn't know if CC was dating other people this summer and when we got together at first, and I don't know that I had a reason to know. It didn't seem like we were necessarily getting into a relationship. And I still didn't know what we were when she came to visit me this summer, but we should have talked about it then. And I didn't, and I should have, and I was wrong not to talk to her about where I was emotionally or how I felt about long distance serious relationships. I just didn't think things had coalesced to the point of definition. She can think it's too convenient but when we talked about her not being able to be in an open relationship before, it was not in the context of me and and her, and it didn't stick in my head. I don't know, I just did not think we had gotten to the point of exclusivity. I did not think that she was exclusive either because we didn't have enough time together to get to that point. (And, in my head, the definition of open relationship is for people who have had a serious enough relationship, for long enough to where exclusivity would be assumed (or earlier agreed upon) and the departure from that is the point of emphasis...not that people dated and were not exclusive while they dated).

I should have recognized that she liked me more than that, and I should have been more careful with her feelings, or at least explicitly talked about what our relationship was. And I should have been more careful with her feelings because I like her and value our friendship and everything else. She was not a rebound, but it was going to take awhile for me to have my heart healthy enough from my relationship with the other girl to give it all to her, which was also complicated by our prior relationship, where I was hurt. Me being hurt before was not her fault, but it was an odd relationship, and one where I don't think either of us knew what was going on. To me, this situation this year was very similar, and I had no idea what was going on. I was playing it safe. I could have just asked her, what are we? And I didn't, and I should have.

I'm really really sad if I burned the bridge, and I realize that part of that was my love life here. But I don't think we have ever been on the same page, and I think that's why she was hurt, and I'm sorry. I am. I don't know what to say. I didn't want to clarify things because I didn't think they had coalesced in a way that could survive that. And that was partially selfish, but I also thought that that's why she didn't seek clarification. ...view more"