Should I not worry about the old female "friend" that my husband has been talking/texting late at night?

My husband and I have been married for 14 years. We have had problems, like everyone. We have been separated 3 times due to his physical abuse and alcoholism. He has stopped the abuse, and has recently curbed his drinking and we are working on things again. In the year that we have been working on things he has been seeking out the attention of other women. One in particular. It started with an older woman (his mother's age) at his Moose Lodge, went on to an ex fiance, and then to what he says is an old friend. It consists of phone calls on his cell very late at night, and texting at first. He would drink and do these things, while being loud enough to wake me up. He was aware that I was listening to the conversations when I knew it was a female (he uses a different tone, and almost always says their name during the conversations). He tells me that he does this to get a rise out of me because he knows I am listening. He spends many nights out very late, and is very secretive about where he goes whenever he leaves, even during the day. but if I leave without saying where I am going, he will call me and ask where I am.
The calls always got inappropriate eventually. With his ex fiance it took a couple months, but I heard them beginning to have phone sex one night, until I sent them both a text message letting them know I was aware. I had found her on a social site and messaged her about their relationship, she had assured me that nothing was going on. I had talked to her on the phone several times. After this he ended conversations with her, but not long after he was getting another female friend of his to set him up with some "one on one time" with someone named Becky. I searched for her on his FB, she was no where. I have found emails and texts from and to her that were very inappropriate. Telling each other they want the other, she referring to liking the way he bit her nipples. I have no idea when this reference happened. He says it was something from the past, but I had never heard of her. Now, I realize that I could not possibly know every person he was with. But if she was such a GOOD friend, wouldn't he have mentioned her at some point? I know about most of his other friends, male and female. So, a couple of weeks ago, I am on my daughters FB, checking on her, and something made me look at her dad's proflile. And guess who I can suddenly see on his friends list? I am NOT okay with female "friends" that have to hide from me. Am I unjustified in this? He tells me that she is just an old friend, finally admitted that the text was not cool. But made it seem like it was nothing and that it was "just something in the past". He thinks I am being irrational. I have no problem with old friends, female or not, but I am not cool with late night conversations of any kind or hidden friends.
I know that the snooping I have sone is not right. But when you know something is going on in your relationship you will do what you have to to find out what it is.
Are there any men out there, that think he may just be doing this to hurt me, like he says? I mean, is there a possibility that he hasn't actually had sex with anyone else? He IS a game player, I know this. But how should I handle this [email protected]+*h who hides when he won't listen when I tell him that she is not apprpriate and he should delete her and have no more contact?
By caligurl4evr 9 years ago :: Marriage
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