I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are having a few problems, I would appreciate any advice!
This is a really long one but I would really really appreciate a neutral opinion as I am so so confused and feel so helpless.
My boyfriend finished University in the spring and had nowhere to go or nothing to do. All of his friends are currently retaking the year so he couldn't stay with them, he had no job, and the last thing he wanted to do was to move back in with his parents in his dead-end home town.
We have had a long-distance relationship from day one. I'm from the south and studying at a London Univeristy, and he is a northerner. it's been a struggle at times but at the end of the day, I have never felt so dedicated to someone, and I couldn't imagine being without him. I have never thought twice about making the effort.
We both agreed that he could come and live with me over the summer, he could look for a job in London, and eventually find somewhere to live. We have always agreed that we are far too young to be living with each other at our age but to be honest, I had never been so excited to finally be able to see him properly!
I helped him loads with his CV, and spent all of my days off trailing around places handing them out with him because he hated doing it by himself. Sometimes he has really low self-confidence so he literally needed me to force him to go in places because he just refused to. Of course, I didn't mind at all, I was more than happy to help and always made the suggestion to go out too because I wanted to get him on his feet.
This went on for about a month, and nobody seemed to be hiring which had a massive effect on him. I have never seen him so upset, so I literally did everything I could to make him happy. He didn't have any friends in the area to take his mind off things, so he was just confined to my room which made things even worse. I took him out places all the time, made food for him every single night, and just ended up doing pretty much everything to try and keep him as happy as possible. He constantly told me if he didn't have me, he didn't know what he would do.
He eventually got a part time job (he just wanted a shop job over summer to get some money whilst he carried on looking for more career-minded jobs) but soon started hating it because he had been hoping to meet some friends but the people there just weren't his kind of people. He came home so angry after every shift, went to bed worked up and woke up dreading the next day he had to go in.
All this time, I took great care of him, spent all of my days off looking for other jobs with him and treating him etc. whilst he just got more and more upset.
During this time, some major problems with my housemates fired up. They hated my boyfriend being in the house, even though he paid us more money than he needed to, and only ever left my room for food or the toilet. If they hadn't have known he was living with me, they definitely wouldn't have realised he was staying every night. Long story short, they just turned out to be really horrible girls and I was forced to move out. I am having to still pay £476 rent a month until Janaury (my entire wages from work, and I am still at Uni so I can't work any more than I already do) ... but it literally got to the point where I couldn't stay there any longer because I was being bullied. Bitchy bitchy girls, i'm sure you know the sort... i'd never hold it against my boyfriend because they are just not very nice people.
My boyfriend tried to get more hours so he could afford somewhere to live but it just wasn't happening and the search continued. All this time, I said he didn't have to pay me any rent for my room, just as long as he paid his share of the bills to keep the girls in the house happy... but they weren't for many other strange reasons and we had to get out of there.
My dad has a flat in the outskirts of London, so we have been staying with him for the past month, and during this time I created a big list of all the magazine offices in London, the directions of how to get to them and the order in which to visit them so he didn't go back on himself. As a result, he managed to get 2 internships which will last until the end of January. I told him I didn't mind him staying with me at all, I was more than happy for him too because I liked having him around, and I just wanted him to be happier and doing something he enjoyed. Around this time, his friend moved to London and he started going out and got his social life back too. Things were starting to look up!
ALSO around this time, I was just feeling drained because my supposed 'best friends' had turned on me, I felt pretty lonely and I also got pretty ill. It just so happened that in the middle of this, my boyfriend had to go back for his graduation and I didn't get to see him when I needed him most. He told me to plan our trip next summer to canada to cheer myself up whilst he was away (this is valid later).
Upon his return, he went straight out but promised he'd be back because he needed his work stuff for the next day. He rang me at 3am saying he wasn't coming back, but would be back at 7am to get his stuff. i woke up as i always do when I know he has to be somewhere, left it for 2 more hours and then called him, he didn't answer for another 2 hours, was already late for work and had no way of travelling to the other side of London to get his stuff, and all the way back again. When he finally answered, he was so so so pissed off at me for calling him, bearing in mind that whilst he was away he had asked me to go get his work stuff from the house the other side of London whilst I was throwing my guts up. I told him that I was only trying to help because he had told me many times that he needed his uniform but he was just really aggressive...
I then had to go home to have my wisdom teeth taken out so I din't get to see him to make up, and whilst I was gone my dad rang to say "Is everything ok? Your boyfriend has come and taken all of his stuff and gone"
I rang him and he started going on about how everything was too intense and he needed space away from me. It obviously took me by surprise and upset me but I knew he hated depending on me, and now my dad, so I accepted it and just assumed he didn't want to be at my dad's without me around.
When i got back, he told me he would me after work and go back to the flat to talk. He turned up, wouldn't even kiss me and then refused to go back to the flat. We were in the middle of the street, and he started going on about how he needed space and didn't know what he wanted anymore, I was crying my eyes out and just wanted to go back so I felt a bit more comfortable... we eventually headed back much to his annoyance and said he'd been thinking about our trip and wanted to be free when he went, and didn't know if he wanted me there. This initially upset me because he'd told me to start planning it a few days earlier, but then I came to terms with it and said we didn't need to go together. He then changed his mind and was all "no no, we don't have to plan anything yet..."
He still refused to stay and left me crying, but he said he felt better after talking and wanted to move back in a couple of days. I gave him the space he wanted, and he ended up calling me the next day all normally, much to my confusion.
He didn't come back. He said it wasn't long enough and that he needed more time. A couple of days later he rang and pretty much ended it with me on the phone. I was absolutely heartbroken, begging him to give it a chance and that two years shouldn't just be thrown away like that. He was still telling me he loved me, just that he didn't know what he wanted so I begged him to see me the next day.
I met him after work for another wandering the street session but he met me totally chilled, took my hand and told me he just panicked and didn't know what to do because his head was a mess. It was all nice but then he kinda switched and started all the negative stuff again... and then sent me on my way back home crying my eyes out again.
I gave him the space he needed but again, he ended up calling me the day after to tell me what he'd been up to...
This space went on but it got to the point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I called him. He seemed to have had a complete turn around and wanted to come back at the end of the week. He asked to come round the next day, but didn't know if he would stay or not.
He came over and was so apologetic. He then started trying it on pretty much immediately saying he'd forgotten how hot I was, and that he loved me etc. I have seriously never seen him so worked up and it made me feel amazing, but I was really hesitant and said I didn't want to just have sex with him for him to leave and possibly not come back again. This made him really angry and he started saying that I was being manipulative and pretty much forcing him to stay... which caused a massive argument, and I was trying to explain that I didn't want to get my hopes up when he might start feeling rubbish about things again, but he wouldn't listen and was convinced I was being manipulative.
It got pretty late and he started getting angry saying that he pretty much had to stay now. I told him to go because I didn't want him to hold something else against me but he didn't and the next few hours were just full of silent upset. We then went to bed and he started trying it on again and being really nice... which just confused me because of course I wanted to the whole time, but I really felt so unsure about things. I told him this and he said that if I wanted to then I should just do it, so I told him that if I did and he was staying it then looks like I was being manipulative... and he said that I didn't have to not do it just to prove a point and that he believed me.
I caved and had sex with him... and just felt pretty rubbish after cos I knew I kind of did it to keep him happy, however nice it was.
I left him in bed to go to work and he had gone to his friends by the time I had got back. He then moved all his stuff back a few days later...
I am back on track, i've got a lot closer with my other friends during all of this drama, and he has obviously seen a lot more of his whilst staying with them. As a result, things should be perfect as everything is going his way. He is currently looking for a house with his friend and it's looking like we can finally have a normal relationship. No long distance, no intense living together... an actual normal relationship for people our age.... but NO.
Since the few days he has been back he has been so cold and aggressive towards me. Everything I say and do seems to really piss him off and I am literally doing everything he has asked me to do or change.
Last night we both got in from seeing our friends separately and I was looking forward to a cosy night in bed. He showed me the stuff he had been doing in the day, during which I asked him nicely to keep his voice down a bit because my dad had said we had kept him awake the night before (we are both pretty nocturnal and forget that normal people sleep at night sometimes).
At his he completely flipped out, swearing at me saying that my dad had already mentioned it to him, something I was completely unaware of because I thought my dad had spoken to me on behalf of both of us. I tried to explain this to him but he wasn't having any of it, and that he was fed up and hated living there. I told him not to worry and that he would soon have a place of his own... but again, all I got was aggression in return.
I got a bit teary and was trying to keep it quiet but he just got really annoyed, telling me to "f**cking shut up" because he needed sleep and that i'd ruined his really good day.
I told him that i didn't know what i'd done to get so much anger. I then started going on about how much I had helped him, and that i'd done everything he asked and had been giving him as much space as he needed, and that all I wanted back was his love. He told me he couldn't give me anything in return, and that he has always said that. (He always said he couldn't help me as much as i've helped him... and I always told him I didn't expect that sort of thing back, I have just helped him because I can etc. and that I just want his love)
I just don't know what to do. He keeps changing his mind about what he wants and I just feel so helpless. I literally don't know what more I can do to keep him happy, but he is just acting so cold. I used to joke before he moved down to London that as soon as he sorted himself out, that he would ditch me... but it now seems like that is actually coming true.
It's nearly at the moment we have been building up to over the past two years, where we can finally have a normal relationship... but there are more problems than there every has been and I just don't understand what is going on.
I know he has friends in the area now, and typically they are all single. It seems like he kind of wants that life, but also doesn't really want to get rid of me... and I just don't know what to do.
Before, I would have done anything to keep hold of him but i'm starting to think differently just because I feel physically and mentally exhausted from the amount of running around I have to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him, and that I am only allowed to see him on his terms.
I know it's been a crazy intense few months, as I have been the only person he has known, so I know he has a right to be pretty worked up about everything but at the end of the day, I have made him my number one priority and done everything to keep him happy when he has been feeling low. Like I said previously, he told me that I was the only one that kept him going... so why try and push me away?
Help please :(
My boyfriend finished University in the spring and had nowhere to go or nothing to do. All of his friends are currently retaking the year so he couldn't stay with them, he had no job, and the last thing he wanted to do was to move back in with his parents in his dead-end home town.
We have had a long-distance relationship from day one. I'm from the south and studying at a London Univeristy, and he is a northerner. it's been a struggle at times but at the end of the day, I have never felt so dedicated to someone, and I couldn't imagine being without him. I have never thought twice about making the effort.
We both agreed that he could come and live with me over the summer, he could look for a job in London, and eventually find somewhere to live. We have always agreed that we are far too young to be living with each other at our age but to be honest, I had never been so excited to finally be able to see him properly!
I helped him loads with his CV, and spent all of my days off trailing around places handing them out with him because he hated doing it by himself. Sometimes he has really low self-confidence so he literally needed me to force him to go in places because he just refused to. Of course, I didn't mind at all, I was more than happy to help and always made the suggestion to go out too because I wanted to get him on his feet.
This went on for about a month, and nobody seemed to be hiring which had a massive effect on him. I have never seen him so upset, so I literally did everything I could to make him happy. He didn't have any friends in the area to take his mind off things, so he was just confined to my room which made things even worse. I took him out places all the time, made food for him every single night, and just ended up doing pretty much everything to try and keep him as happy as possible. He constantly told me if he didn't have me, he didn't know what he would do.
He eventually got a part time job (he just wanted a shop job over summer to get some money whilst he carried on looking for more career-minded jobs) but soon started hating it because he had been hoping to meet some friends but the people there just weren't his kind of people. He came home so angry after every shift, went to bed worked up and woke up dreading the next day he had to go in.
All this time, I took great care of him, spent all of my days off looking for other jobs with him and treating him etc. whilst he just got more and more upset.
During this time, some major problems with my housemates fired up. They hated my boyfriend being in the house, even though he paid us more money than he needed to, and only ever left my room for food or the toilet. If they hadn't have known he was living with me, they definitely wouldn't have realised he was staying every night. Long story short, they just turned out to be really horrible girls and I was forced to move out. I am having to still pay £476 rent a month until Janaury (my entire wages from work, and I am still at Uni so I can't work any more than I already do) ... but it literally got to the point where I couldn't stay there any longer because I was being bullied. Bitchy bitchy girls, i'm sure you know the sort... i'd never hold it against my boyfriend because they are just not very nice people.
My boyfriend tried to get more hours so he could afford somewhere to live but it just wasn't happening and the search continued. All this time, I said he didn't have to pay me any rent for my room, just as long as he paid his share of the bills to keep the girls in the house happy... but they weren't for many other strange reasons and we had to get out of there.
My dad has a flat in the outskirts of London, so we have been staying with him for the past month, and during this time I created a big list of all the magazine offices in London, the directions of how to get to them and the order in which to visit them so he didn't go back on himself. As a result, he managed to get 2 internships which will last until the end of January. I told him I didn't mind him staying with me at all, I was more than happy for him too because I liked having him around, and I just wanted him to be happier and doing something he enjoyed. Around this time, his friend moved to London and he started going out and got his social life back too. Things were starting to look up!
ALSO around this time, I was just feeling drained because my supposed 'best friends' had turned on me, I felt pretty lonely and I also got pretty ill. It just so happened that in the middle of this, my boyfriend had to go back for his graduation and I didn't get to see him when I needed him most. He told me to plan our trip next summer to canada to cheer myself up whilst he was away (this is valid later).
Upon his return, he went straight out but promised he'd be back because he needed his work stuff for the next day. He rang me at 3am saying he wasn't coming back, but would be back at 7am to get his stuff. i woke up as i always do when I know he has to be somewhere, left it for 2 more hours and then called him, he didn't answer for another 2 hours, was already late for work and had no way of travelling to the other side of London to get his stuff, and all the way back again. When he finally answered, he was so so so pissed off at me for calling him, bearing in mind that whilst he was away he had asked me to go get his work stuff from the house the other side of London whilst I was throwing my guts up. I told him that I was only trying to help because he had told me many times that he needed his uniform but he was just really aggressive...
I then had to go home to have my wisdom teeth taken out so I din't get to see him to make up, and whilst I was gone my dad rang to say "Is everything ok? Your boyfriend has come and taken all of his stuff and gone"
I rang him and he started going on about how everything was too intense and he needed space away from me. It obviously took me by surprise and upset me but I knew he hated depending on me, and now my dad, so I accepted it and just assumed he didn't want to be at my dad's without me around.
When i got back, he told me he would me after work and go back to the flat to talk. He turned up, wouldn't even kiss me and then refused to go back to the flat. We were in the middle of the street, and he started going on about how he needed space and didn't know what he wanted anymore, I was crying my eyes out and just wanted to go back so I felt a bit more comfortable... we eventually headed back much to his annoyance and said he'd been thinking about our trip and wanted to be free when he went, and didn't know if he wanted me there. This initially upset me because he'd told me to start planning it a few days earlier, but then I came to terms with it and said we didn't need to go together. He then changed his mind and was all "no no, we don't have to plan anything yet..."
He still refused to stay and left me crying, but he said he felt better after talking and wanted to move back in a couple of days. I gave him the space he wanted, and he ended up calling me the next day all normally, much to my confusion.
He didn't come back. He said it wasn't long enough and that he needed more time. A couple of days later he rang and pretty much ended it with me on the phone. I was absolutely heartbroken, begging him to give it a chance and that two years shouldn't just be thrown away like that. He was still telling me he loved me, just that he didn't know what he wanted so I begged him to see me the next day.
I met him after work for another wandering the street session but he met me totally chilled, took my hand and told me he just panicked and didn't know what to do because his head was a mess. It was all nice but then he kinda switched and started all the negative stuff again... and then sent me on my way back home crying my eyes out again.
I gave him the space he needed but again, he ended up calling me the day after to tell me what he'd been up to...
This space went on but it got to the point where I just needed to know what was going on, so I called him. He seemed to have had a complete turn around and wanted to come back at the end of the week. He asked to come round the next day, but didn't know if he would stay or not.
He came over and was so apologetic. He then started trying it on pretty much immediately saying he'd forgotten how hot I was, and that he loved me etc. I have seriously never seen him so worked up and it made me feel amazing, but I was really hesitant and said I didn't want to just have sex with him for him to leave and possibly not come back again. This made him really angry and he started saying that I was being manipulative and pretty much forcing him to stay... which caused a massive argument, and I was trying to explain that I didn't want to get my hopes up when he might start feeling rubbish about things again, but he wouldn't listen and was convinced I was being manipulative.
It got pretty late and he started getting angry saying that he pretty much had to stay now. I told him to go because I didn't want him to hold something else against me but he didn't and the next few hours were just full of silent upset. We then went to bed and he started trying it on again and being really nice... which just confused me because of course I wanted to the whole time, but I really felt so unsure about things. I told him this and he said that if I wanted to then I should just do it, so I told him that if I did and he was staying it then looks like I was being manipulative... and he said that I didn't have to not do it just to prove a point and that he believed me.
I caved and had sex with him... and just felt pretty rubbish after cos I knew I kind of did it to keep him happy, however nice it was.
I left him in bed to go to work and he had gone to his friends by the time I had got back. He then moved all his stuff back a few days later...
I am back on track, i've got a lot closer with my other friends during all of this drama, and he has obviously seen a lot more of his whilst staying with them. As a result, things should be perfect as everything is going his way. He is currently looking for a house with his friend and it's looking like we can finally have a normal relationship. No long distance, no intense living together... an actual normal relationship for people our age.... but NO.
Since the few days he has been back he has been so cold and aggressive towards me. Everything I say and do seems to really piss him off and I am literally doing everything he has asked me to do or change.
Last night we both got in from seeing our friends separately and I was looking forward to a cosy night in bed. He showed me the stuff he had been doing in the day, during which I asked him nicely to keep his voice down a bit because my dad had said we had kept him awake the night before (we are both pretty nocturnal and forget that normal people sleep at night sometimes).
At his he completely flipped out, swearing at me saying that my dad had already mentioned it to him, something I was completely unaware of because I thought my dad had spoken to me on behalf of both of us. I tried to explain this to him but he wasn't having any of it, and that he was fed up and hated living there. I told him not to worry and that he would soon have a place of his own... but again, all I got was aggression in return.
I got a bit teary and was trying to keep it quiet but he just got really annoyed, telling me to "f**cking shut up" because he needed sleep and that i'd ruined his really good day.
I told him that i didn't know what i'd done to get so much anger. I then started going on about how much I had helped him, and that i'd done everything he asked and had been giving him as much space as he needed, and that all I wanted back was his love. He told me he couldn't give me anything in return, and that he has always said that. (He always said he couldn't help me as much as i've helped him... and I always told him I didn't expect that sort of thing back, I have just helped him because I can etc. and that I just want his love)
I just don't know what to do. He keeps changing his mind about what he wants and I just feel so helpless. I literally don't know what more I can do to keep him happy, but he is just acting so cold. I used to joke before he moved down to London that as soon as he sorted himself out, that he would ditch me... but it now seems like that is actually coming true.
It's nearly at the moment we have been building up to over the past two years, where we can finally have a normal relationship... but there are more problems than there every has been and I just don't understand what is going on.
I know he has friends in the area now, and typically they are all single. It seems like he kind of wants that life, but also doesn't really want to get rid of me... and I just don't know what to do.
Before, I would have done anything to keep hold of him but i'm starting to think differently just because I feel physically and mentally exhausted from the amount of running around I have to do. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around him, and that I am only allowed to see him on his terms.
I know it's been a crazy intense few months, as I have been the only person he has known, so I know he has a right to be pretty worked up about everything but at the end of the day, I have made him my number one priority and done everything to keep him happy when he has been feeling low. Like I said previously, he told me that I was the only one that kept him going... so why try and push me away?
Help please :(
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