how to deal with a controlling husband

I have to ask/let my husband know everything i do/spend. We also want for nothing. He's a great provider and father. He shows affection and love to the kids, but not me. He says if he didn't love me then he wouldn't have been such a good provider. He's also cheated in our marriage and courtship. I knew before the marriage, and suspected after we married. I never caught him with his pants down but have had enough clues for him to admit it and always profoundly apoligize and tell me how much he loves me. This has happened about 3 or 4 times that I know of in the 12 yrs of our marriage.He never goes out and I always know where he is when not at work.The cheating is not a deal breaker for me but it has screwed me up big time. There's no trust, it has made me loose my self esteem and hate myself. I have no idenity since I only work part time since the kids, 9yrs.When we fight, it's always about money. He usually always apoligises and says he loves me and wants to work on our marriage.He's not a yeller or abusive, he's a hard worker, he says he would never leave me or our marriage. I had huge abandenment issues before him which is also why I have no trust. I have issues with self distructive behavivor, pulling my hair out , bing eating. I swear I used to be very independent when I was single, and also strong. I think it was one of the things he liked about me. How do I snap out of this funk and be strong for myself and our marriage?