Should I do my duty and stand by mom and sis. Should I give him up? Or should I not give up my love?

I’m a 28 year old Indian woman. My boyfriend is 30. Although I have had many admirers I have not had a proper relationship with a man since I and my parents have been very choosy about who is right for me. I have done a masters degree and am employed as a manager. So has my BF. My mother was not too thrilled with my BF to begin with since we are from two different faiths. It was less than 3 months after my father’s death when I met my BF. Many things were in a flux since my mother and younger sister (aged 23) were also trying to move house to live with me when I introduced them. I couldn’t wait till I had got to know him better before introducing them since I didn’t want to fall in love with him only for my mom to tell me that I cant go ahead due to the religious difference. When they met for the first time, mom told my boyfriend of a marriage proposal which was on the cards for me and he was better qualified educationally than my boyfriend. This may have put his back up since he wasn’t trying very hard afterwards to please my mother. I am from a fairly conservative Indian family and my mom asked us to wait for about 5 weeks until she came to live with me so that she will be in a better frame of mind to address any opposition from relations due to religious difference. My boyfriend agreed to this. However, before he came to meet my mom, he had told his parents what he was going to do and had promised them that he will soon introduce me to them. He was able to do this in passing when his parents travelled with me on our way to office (he used to give me lifts to and from office) but his parents had been keen to have me come to their place for a meal as he had done at my place. My mother insisted that as tradition calls for the boy’s family to visit the girl’s home before allowing the girl to visit the boy’s place, that this takes place first. By this time, my boyfriend was annoyed that my mother seemed to be postponing allowing us to go out. Also, he was upset that in spite of his having many meals at my place and even being allowed to go to my graduation ceremony with mom, sis and me, he was not permitted to take me for a meal with his family. Although I was trying to be a dutiful daughter, I too was getting frustrated. After all, I was 28 years old! Since my boyfriend and mom were on fairly good terms (as I believed at the time) I asked him to come and discuss this difference of opinion with my mom. Unfortunately, he wasn’t as understanding as he should’ve been and my mom and sis got angry with him as they believed that he insulted my father’s memory and didn’t show enough respect to mom. After this mom did some background checks and found many things to object about him (like his small house and the luxury vehicle he drove, which to her, meant that he was a showoff. Also, one person known to both parties had told her that BF was cunning, another that he didn’t know how to talk properly to elders etc). She insisted that I give him up and made my life at home hell. My sister is only marginally better. They only gave me an option of getting married to him 6 months from now, without going out with him in the interim. She has also told me that they will have nothing to do with him although I will not be forsaken. Although we have by now known each other for 8 months, it has always been of limited duration and we have not been able to get to know each other in different circumstances which both of us believe is essential before marriage. He is the best BF possible for me. He cares for me, is considerate of my feelings, encourages my professional aspirations, is intellectually and emotionally compatible etc. We make each other so happy that even outsiders have commented to both of us how happy we look. The only flaw I see in him is that he is stubborn when he sees that his way is right and that he wasn’t as respectful as he should have been to mom. This does concern me as one major problem I have with mom is her tendency to see things and people in black or white and I also see this in him. I love both parties so much and can’t imagine living without either. I cannot give up mom and sis so soon after losing my father (it’s only been 1 year). My sis is unemployed since she gave up her job to take care of my dad when he fell ill. It would be so selfish to go away with him knowing that this’ll leave sis to take care of mom. Also, I can’t imagine how to have a marriage ceremony without the blessings of my mom.
I have therefore told him that I can’t be with him and that we need to breakup. We are trying to do that but we both know that we will never find true happiness with another… Mom and sis now feel better and leave me alone since what they want is achieved. My BF and I are going through hell… What should I do…
By Monica789 9 years ago :: Parent/Child
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