Girlfriend's parents not keen on me at all, girlfriend very reluctant to help solve the issue
Hi.I've been in a relationship for almost 4 years and love my partner a lot. She is a lovely talented person and I feel she's the right one for me. However, something keeps on bothering me. Her parents seem to disapprove of me. Obviously I realise I'm not the only one person ever with this problem ;)
It took me a year to get her to meet my parents. I could see how she thought this might feel like putting the pressure on (it really wasn't meant that way and I tried to explain this to her as well) hence I did not ask her about it frequently. I did greatly appreciate she finally decided to meet my parents.
On many occasions I suggested meeting her family (both before and after she met my parents, whom she gets along with very well by the way), in order to strengthen our relationship and of course also out of pure curiosity. She declined this a few times and bailed out last minute on two occasions we had discussed.
The third time I was supposed to finally meet her parents she texted me about an hour before I was due to visit, saying it was not good timing.
As we had discussed meeting her parents quite a few times I must say I felt disappointed at that moment. Being rather emotional I decided to go and meet them anyway. I grant that this was not straight thinking on my part, and I now regret I did not respect my partner's change of mind.
When I met her parents at her flat that day her father declined to speak to me (I have no idea why) and she and her father hurried off to go on an errand after about ten minutes. This was not an urgent errand at all but my girlfriend did make it out to be very urgent. Thus I was left with my partner's mother, whom I tried to strike up a friendly conversation with. However, this conversation turned into a cross examination on her part. I feel it is important to state I'm well into my thirties and I do not feel comfortable being treated like a teenager. It soon became clear her mother disapproved of my job. I also want to point out she did not talk about her daughter in a very positive way, which kind of shocked me. When my partner and her father returned, her parents immediately left.
This was about a year and a half into the relationship, I'd say. Even though I later on asked my partner several times for us to get together with her parents (dinner at a restaurant, inviting them over to my place), she declined. Her mother not approving of me was almost a dealbreaker for my partner as to our relationship after my first encounter with her parents.
Fast forward to the end of the second year of the relationship. My parents and I are invited to a work related celebration and so are her parents. As I am eager to make things work out between her parents and me I strike up a conversation upon meeting them there only to find out they did not know I (nor my parents) would be there. That evening my parents and I are left with my partner's parents. She only drops by for about ten minutes, spending the rest of the evening with colleagues and friends. Obviously, I do follow suit after a while, joining her. I find it strange my girlfriend doesn't seem to want to be around when her parents and I are together. Once again I'm rather dumbfounded when her mother talks her down to me and my parents when my girlfriend is not around.
Things have become complicated by the fact my girlfriend is currently living abroad. (Because of strict migration policies I am not allowed into the country on a work permit, otherwise I would have joined her.) She has been living on another continent for about 15 months now (job) and is to return by the end of the year. Because of huge travel expenses and busy jobs we will have met three times in these two years. When she came over first, she did not want to stay with me and stayed with her parents. I first wanted her to stay with me but later on realized I might have been an asshat for asking her to do that. (She had not seen her relatives since she left.)
When I visited her later on in the country she is currently residing in I was rather heartbroken when she asked me at the end of our holiday to select some of our best pictures only to find out I was in for an unpleasant surprise. I enthusiastically picked a few highlights of our trip but she proceeded to tell me they were no good as we were both in them. At that time she had to reveal to me that her parents had asked her for some holiday pictures and it seems she did not want them to see us together. Turns out her parents only found out about her holiday because upon my arrival I had suggested to her she should contact her parents to let them know she would not be able to get in touch with them for a period of three weeks (in order for them not to worry) as we would be travelling in a very remote area with no cell phone reach. She admitted to me that she did not inform her parents I had come over to visit. Since I got rather angry over the picture question (Why ask me to select pics if I'm not supposed to be in them in the first place?Why not select some herself instead instead of putting me in an awkward and frankly hurtful position?) she decided not to send any holiday pictures to her parents at all. (I would have preferred she had sent holiday pics of us both.)
Next month my girlfriend is coming home on a job related visit. She will first be spending a week at my place and then a few days with her parents. Upon me asking she tells me that, yes, she has told her parents she will be home a few days before she actually meets up with them but has not told them she is staying with me.
I think it is entirely possible these people have no clue her daughter and I are still in a relationship. When I ask my girlfriend this question she refuses to answer it.
You might ask yourself: why would you even care? And of course, you are partly right. It is SHE who matters to me greatly, and our relationship is not about her parents. The thing is, I really feel she is the one for me and down the line we are planning on having children (have discussed it quite a few times). We might be living together after she leaves her job abroad at the end of the year. My main concern is : I want her family to be involved in this relationship for the sake of the children we might have. My partner doesn't want to think that far ahead although we are indeed planning on having children.
Also, I feel I'm not a person to be ashamed of or to be hidden in some corner.
Do you feel I should ease up on her (I'm afraid I might be pushing her, whereas I only want to make her happy, but I feel I also want to be appreciated for who I am and what we want to achieve as a couple as well)? Or do you think I'm going about this the wrong way altogether?
Thanks for your feedback and sorry for the long post.
It took me a year to get her to meet my parents. I could see how she thought this might feel like putting the pressure on (it really wasn't meant that way and I tried to explain this to her as well) hence I did not ask her about it frequently. I did greatly appreciate she finally decided to meet my parents.
On many occasions I suggested meeting her family (both before and after she met my parents, whom she gets along with very well by the way), in order to strengthen our relationship and of course also out of pure curiosity. She declined this a few times and bailed out last minute on two occasions we had discussed.
The third time I was supposed to finally meet her parents she texted me about an hour before I was due to visit, saying it was not good timing.
As we had discussed meeting her parents quite a few times I must say I felt disappointed at that moment. Being rather emotional I decided to go and meet them anyway. I grant that this was not straight thinking on my part, and I now regret I did not respect my partner's change of mind.
When I met her parents at her flat that day her father declined to speak to me (I have no idea why) and she and her father hurried off to go on an errand after about ten minutes. This was not an urgent errand at all but my girlfriend did make it out to be very urgent. Thus I was left with my partner's mother, whom I tried to strike up a friendly conversation with. However, this conversation turned into a cross examination on her part. I feel it is important to state I'm well into my thirties and I do not feel comfortable being treated like a teenager. It soon became clear her mother disapproved of my job. I also want to point out she did not talk about her daughter in a very positive way, which kind of shocked me. When my partner and her father returned, her parents immediately left.
This was about a year and a half into the relationship, I'd say. Even though I later on asked my partner several times for us to get together with her parents (dinner at a restaurant, inviting them over to my place), she declined. Her mother not approving of me was almost a dealbreaker for my partner as to our relationship after my first encounter with her parents.
Fast forward to the end of the second year of the relationship. My parents and I are invited to a work related celebration and so are her parents. As I am eager to make things work out between her parents and me I strike up a conversation upon meeting them there only to find out they did not know I (nor my parents) would be there. That evening my parents and I are left with my partner's parents. She only drops by for about ten minutes, spending the rest of the evening with colleagues and friends. Obviously, I do follow suit after a while, joining her. I find it strange my girlfriend doesn't seem to want to be around when her parents and I are together. Once again I'm rather dumbfounded when her mother talks her down to me and my parents when my girlfriend is not around.
Things have become complicated by the fact my girlfriend is currently living abroad. (Because of strict migration policies I am not allowed into the country on a work permit, otherwise I would have joined her.) She has been living on another continent for about 15 months now (job) and is to return by the end of the year. Because of huge travel expenses and busy jobs we will have met three times in these two years. When she came over first, she did not want to stay with me and stayed with her parents. I first wanted her to stay with me but later on realized I might have been an asshat for asking her to do that. (She had not seen her relatives since she left.)
When I visited her later on in the country she is currently residing in I was rather heartbroken when she asked me at the end of our holiday to select some of our best pictures only to find out I was in for an unpleasant surprise. I enthusiastically picked a few highlights of our trip but she proceeded to tell me they were no good as we were both in them. At that time she had to reveal to me that her parents had asked her for some holiday pictures and it seems she did not want them to see us together. Turns out her parents only found out about her holiday because upon my arrival I had suggested to her she should contact her parents to let them know she would not be able to get in touch with them for a period of three weeks (in order for them not to worry) as we would be travelling in a very remote area with no cell phone reach. She admitted to me that she did not inform her parents I had come over to visit. Since I got rather angry over the picture question (Why ask me to select pics if I'm not supposed to be in them in the first place?Why not select some herself instead instead of putting me in an awkward and frankly hurtful position?) she decided not to send any holiday pictures to her parents at all. (I would have preferred she had sent holiday pics of us both.)
Next month my girlfriend is coming home on a job related visit. She will first be spending a week at my place and then a few days with her parents. Upon me asking she tells me that, yes, she has told her parents she will be home a few days before she actually meets up with them but has not told them she is staying with me.
I think it is entirely possible these people have no clue her daughter and I are still in a relationship. When I ask my girlfriend this question she refuses to answer it.
You might ask yourself: why would you even care? And of course, you are partly right. It is SHE who matters to me greatly, and our relationship is not about her parents. The thing is, I really feel she is the one for me and down the line we are planning on having children (have discussed it quite a few times). We might be living together after she leaves her job abroad at the end of the year. My main concern is : I want her family to be involved in this relationship for the sake of the children we might have. My partner doesn't want to think that far ahead although we are indeed planning on having children.
Also, I feel I'm not a person to be ashamed of or to be hidden in some corner.
Do you feel I should ease up on her (I'm afraid I might be pushing her, whereas I only want to make her happy, but I feel I also want to be appreciated for who I am and what we want to achieve as a couple as well)? Or do you think I'm going about this the wrong way altogether?
Thanks for your feedback and sorry for the long post.
12