My Husband Thinks I'm Too Harsh.
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Side 2
Side 2
Side 1 says...
My husband I have been married five and a half years. Together for eight. We have threee children. Two living at home. One in college. The two living at home is his fourteen year old daughter and my eight year old daughter. We have a wonderful relationship with each other and with our kids.
About three years ago we gained custody of his children. The transition was difficult but worth it. The only lingering issue we have is in how we disagree about the disciplining of the kids.
The most recent issue involves his daughter. My husband will agree that there has rarely been a time that we have been able to ask her to do even the smallest of task without there being an argument or some sort of drama. Usually because she never does what she is asked to to. We have had many minor and major disagreements between us because of the fact that there is usually never any repercussion for not doing as she asked.
I will give you a bit of background so that you can understand where I'm coming from.
About two years ago we took our kids on a family cruise. After devoting every day to their entertainment I asked that my husband and I have ONE night just for the two of us to attend the formal dinner alone. She felt that she should be able to go and when she was told that wasn't going to happen she became irate and kicked, punched, bit and screamed at my husband. Needless to say, the dinner alone never happened and we spent most of the night dealing with how she'd acted.
Once we got home I stated that I felt that she should be punished for what she'd done. My suggestion was that we take her cell phone and TV away for a week. My husband said that was too harsh of a punishment. Ultimately she was never disciplined at all and he and I almost separated over it.
Over the years there have been several disagreements about how the kids should be disciplined. Some minor and some major. Over time I have grown very reluctant to even discuss it...usually to avoid an argument.
This past Thursday I left work early so I could take my stepdaughter to sports practice. I had called home earlier in the day and told her what time I would be there to pick her up. I asked that she be showered and dressed, and that her room be cleaned. When I got home none of those things had been done. I then told her that because of this she would have to miss practice. I asked her for her cell phone so that I could call her coach and explain that she would be absent. She fought me physically over the phone. All the while screaming horribly direspectful things at me...in front of my Aunt and eight year old daughter. I told her I was calling her dad and telling him what she'd done. She said "call him, he'll let me go". I called my husband who was golfing and explained what had happened and asked that he back me up. He did.
The following day my stepdaughter asked him if she could go to the football game and if she could have her phone back. He told her to ask me. Making me have to be the bad guy... I told him that I felt that one day without her phone and missing one ballgame wasn't enough punishment for what she'd done.
The next day he came to me and asked if I was going to give her phone back that day. I explained to him that I felt that a week without the phone was what I had in mind. He disagreed and I got the silent treatment off and on throughout the day.
One of the problems was that his daughter knew that he had been pleading her case for her and in my opinion was playing him against me.
He asked me again the next day. I was so sick of arguing over it that I felt that I should just leave. It was only then that he sat her down and explained to her that she wouldn't be getting her phone back til this Thursday.
Am I too harsh?
About three years ago we gained custody of his children. The transition was difficult but worth it. The only lingering issue we have is in how we disagree about the disciplining of the kids.
The most recent issue involves his daughter. My husband will agree that there has rarely been a time that we have been able to ask her to do even the smallest of task without there being an argument or some sort of drama. Usually because she never does what she is asked to to. We have had many minor and major disagreements between us because of the fact that there is usually never any repercussion for not doing as she asked.
I will give you a bit of background so that you can understand where I'm coming from.
About two years ago we took our kids on a family cruise. After devoting every day to their entertainment I asked that my husband and I have ONE night just for the two of us to attend the formal dinner alone. She felt that she should be able to go and when she was told that wasn't going to happen she became irate and kicked, punched, bit and screamed at my husband. Needless to say, the dinner alone never happened and we spent most of the night dealing with how she'd acted.
Once we got home I stated that I felt that she should be punished for what she'd done. My suggestion was that we take her cell phone and TV away for a week. My husband said that was too harsh of a punishment. Ultimately she was never disciplined at all and he and I almost separated over it.
Over the years there have been several disagreements about how the kids should be disciplined. Some minor and some major. Over time I have grown very reluctant to even discuss it...usually to avoid an argument.
This past Thursday I left work early so I could take my stepdaughter to sports practice. I had called home earlier in the day and told her what time I would be there to pick her up. I asked that she be showered and dressed, and that her room be cleaned. When I got home none of those things had been done. I then told her that because of this she would have to miss practice. I asked her for her cell phone so that I could call her coach and explain that she would be absent. She fought me physically over the phone. All the while screaming horribly direspectful things at me...in front of my Aunt and eight year old daughter. I told her I was calling her dad and telling him what she'd done. She said "call him, he'll let me go". I called my husband who was golfing and explained what had happened and asked that he back me up. He did.
The following day my stepdaughter asked him if she could go to the football game and if she could have her phone back. He told her to ask me. Making me have to be the bad guy... I told him that I felt that one day without her phone and missing one ballgame wasn't enough punishment for what she'd done.
The next day he came to me and asked if I was going to give her phone back that day. I explained to him that I felt that a week without the phone was what I had in mind. He disagreed and I got the silent treatment off and on throughout the day.
One of the problems was that his daughter knew that he had been pleading her case for her and in my opinion was playing him against me.
He asked me again the next day. I was so sick of arguing over it that I felt that I should just leave. It was only then that he sat her down and explained to her that she wouldn't be getting her phone back til this Thursday.
Am I too harsh?
Added by DesignLady (female)
Side 2 says...
Most of my wifes story is true for the most part. I do have another side so I will try to tell you the differences.
1. As to the first incident on the cruise. The punishment after the fact a week later was the part I didn't feel was the right thing to do.
2. The latest disagreement was told as it happened. The differing view from me on that was
1. I asked my wife to tell her what the punishment was instead of leaving it open ended.
2. Both kids had responsibilities to handle that day and nothing was done to the younger daughter for not cleaning her room.
3. When I asked my wife the second day after the incident if she wanted to give the phone back to her (because she had already missed 2 games) thats when she got really upset and told me to do whatever I wanted. I refused to do that and told her to tell our daughter what to expect .My wifes reply to me was why did she have to be the bad guy. I felt as if I was letting her show she had control of this situation(not being a bad guy).
4. When I saw that my wife was not going to tell our daughter what to expect (how long the phone would be kept and how many more games/practices she would miss) That is when I sit down with my daughter and explained what the deal was on everything. That ended it as it could have been done a day or so earlier.
The only other thing that I would say is that leaving is not the answer for this or any other issue. You communicate and work through the issues in a relationship not avoid or run from them.
Would I have given the same punishment? No, but that is just my opinion. That doesn't make it right or wrong. Just different ways of handling an issues. No not too harsh just not the way I would do it. But I was letting you handle it the way you saw fit
1. As to the first incident on the cruise. The punishment after the fact a week later was the part I didn't feel was the right thing to do.
2. The latest disagreement was told as it happened. The differing view from me on that was
1. I asked my wife to tell her what the punishment was instead of leaving it open ended.
2. Both kids had responsibilities to handle that day and nothing was done to the younger daughter for not cleaning her room.
3. When I asked my wife the second day after the incident if she wanted to give the phone back to her (because she had already missed 2 games) thats when she got really upset and told me to do whatever I wanted. I refused to do that and told her to tell our daughter what to expect .My wifes reply to me was why did she have to be the bad guy. I felt as if I was letting her show she had control of this situation(not being a bad guy).
4. When I saw that my wife was not going to tell our daughter what to expect (how long the phone would be kept and how many more games/practices she would miss) That is when I sit down with my daughter and explained what the deal was on everything. That ended it as it could have been done a day or so earlier.
The only other thing that I would say is that leaving is not the answer for this or any other issue. You communicate and work through the issues in a relationship not avoid or run from them.
Would I have given the same punishment? No, but that is just my opinion. That doesn't make it right or wrong. Just different ways of handling an issues. No not too harsh just not the way I would do it. But I was letting you handle it the way you saw fit
Added by middleman (male)
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