Husband Thinks I am Mad for No Reason

We have been married 8+ years. My husband expects me to be affectionate when he walks through the door from work. He wants me to be happy that he is home. I can no longer do be this way because I feel that he could really care less about me as a person. Factually, I have been sleeping on the couch for 2+ months because I do not want him to touch me. The only reason I am bothering to post a question is because this is a last attempt at saving this marriage as kids are involved.

My husband has never participated in any activity that is my sole interest. I have attended sporting events that I would not otherwise have attended if it were not for him. I litterally have zero interest in sports. However, I have attended midnight yell and a few football maroon-outs at my husband's alma mater. Meanwhile and in the beginning of our marriage, my suggestion of going to a concert was met with him telling me that he does not enjoy or find value in concerts. Despite the fact he paid for concerts when he was single, he told me that attending concerts were pointless and a waste of his time. I have attended pro-basketball games with him. Yet, he finds no value in doing something I like such as viewing important museum exhibits because his mommy made him go when he was a kid. I am a trekkie. I have not been to one convention since I have been married. This is bad for a trekkie. Even though he loves the show, he has decided that if he keeps telling me he will go someday, I am griping for no reason because he has promised.

Needless to say and after 8 years, my husband has participated in nothing that is my sole interest. Along with this, my husband has repeatedly stated in the past and recently that he should not have to take my feelings into consideration if he was/is not told to do so. He also thinks he was correct in not telling me for 2 months that we were late on our mortgage because I would be angry. He truly believes I have no right to be angry about this omission. He is also insistent that most of our issues are my fault because I have hurt him in arguments. Anything hurtful he has done to me, he insists, is always a response to some wrong that I have done first. Mostly, I go through life pretending all is good. I do not complain to him. Yet every so often, he will say obtuse things to the me and the kids which angers me.

For instance. yesterday afternoon we were re-arranging living room furniture. I specifically asked him not to place it in a wall-to-wall fashion as it is not relaxing to me at all. After he debated with me about my definition of wall-to-wall, he said he understood what I meant and would not place the furniture that way. After running errands, I came home to discover he placed the furniture literally wall-to-wall and then went to work. I moved the furniture correctly myself. When he came home from work, I told him that I did not feel he respected my feelings because of the furniture placement. He first bickered about whether or not it was wall-to-wall. He inferred that I did not know what wall-to-wall is. After I told him that I took pictures of his arrangement before moving it and would be glad to get other's opinions, he said he was just testing the concept. When I insisted this is another sign of him not respecting my preferences which is a behavioural pattern as evidenced by his unwillingness to participate in anything I like these past 8 years, he said I am griping for no reason and bringing up past stuff that has nothing to do with now.

Up until the past year, I was affectionate with him when he came home from work. This past year, my affection has waned to zero, I think for obvious reasons.

He says if I start to be affectionate with him again, he will do some activity with me that is my sole preference. He acts as though I am unreasonable because I do not believe him. He also says that going to movies we both want to see is the same as doing something that is my sole interest. When I point out to him that I have attended several sporting events that I would not have if not for him, he says that is to be expected after all that I have done to hurt him.

Additionally, he has repeatedly told me that he does not care about my friends and should not be expected to inquire about them. During the first year of our marriage, he ripped me for spending too much time reading books. Yet, he is on the X-Box most nights from midnight to 3-4 a.m. If I say anything about this, he says that I am mad for no reason.

I can no longer be affectionate with my husband and it saddens me deeply. I really do love him. But I just cannot happily kiss somebody who treats me like I have no value. I really need to know if others understand. Otherwise, my husband will insist I am mad for no reason and say it is because I get bothered by things that would not bother normal people.

By blankslate 15 years ago :: Marriage
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