How do i get closure from a relationship where the guy abandoned me?

first off i dont think anyone will even read this because its long, but at least im letting it off my chest... so if you dont feel like reading the whole story just scroll down to to the last paragraph. It's been years since i dated this man, about 4 to be exact... i was 18, he was 23 at the time, but i knew him for a few years. I had not seen him in a few years, but one night i saw him walking downtown, he told me how he was back in our hometown, and i had just recently moved back too, so we started hanging out together. Our friendship eventually turned into a relationship, and i fell in love, he was my first love. He gave me every reason to fall in love with him, and i did love him unconditionally. He made me feel loved and gave me every reason to trust him; he was very caring and affectionate, very intuitive and open towards me emotionally, talked to me about anything and everything, talked about a future and our life together. and then one morning, i woke up and he was gone.
I had no idea where he was or if something had happened to him. About two days later, his father called me because he didnt know where he was either. After contacting a few people, we found out he went back to montreal, his father gave me the number of his friend in montreal and told me to call him. and i did. but they would tell me that he was not home. so about a week later, he calls me, and we talk, he tells me that he loves me, but that he needed to clear his head, he tells me that he is coming back, and he comes back.
So im super thrilled when he came back..., but eventually, the arguments start happening, and im being blamed for things that he feels insecure about. he starts telling me that im probably goiong to fuck him over if he compleatly lets me in and that he cant trust me because i am so young and he's my first relationship,(btw his mom abandonded him when he was a child and he doesnt have much contact with her and i know that hurt him in life), then he starts getting annoyed with me because i love him so much, and then he tells me how when i was 15 years old he wanted to fuck me at some party we were at, and that his only interest when he saw each other downtown again was to get laid, but he also told me that he was falling in love with me and that's why he came back. he told me ' i wouldnt be here if i didnt love you' and he is the type of person that is open about everything. I couldnt understand anything he was telling me, but he knew i loved him, so he proceeded to tell me how he had a sexual encouter while he was gone in montreal, and then he told me that while he was in montreal, when i would call, he would be there but he would tell his friends to lie for him. He knew i was in love with him. By this time, i was loosing my self esteem, i couldnt understand anything he was telling me anymore. Then he told me that we should probably go to a clinic to get tested for std's, and have a clean slate of our new life together because he wanted to come clean with everything so that i dont resent him for leaving and so that he doesnt have anything to hide from me. The std clinic was humiliating especially since there was chlamidia to be taken care of. i felt dirty and my self esteem was even lower. So i forgave him again, i thought, relationships need work and he says he is doing all this to make it work...,

So things were good for a while longer. but after a while, he kept insisting that i resent him, and that in a few years i will hate him and screw him over, and that by then he will be in his thirties and too old, and that i need to go through my 'party phase' , also tells me that he is a mess internally and that he has never been with anyone like me, and that im a safe place in his head that makes everything bad go away. while my only intention was to love him and have build our life together. He put me through an emotional rollercoaster and hell with no regards to my feelings, i was under his control because i was scared that he will leave again, and accused that i might doing all these things to him that he was actualy doing to me. And then i saw a piece of paper on his desk one morning... he used to always talk about montreal and how it makes him feel alive, and how we should move there. the paper was the phone number of his boxing coach over there... he was already making plans to move back without telling me. he even bought a ticket already. i was so hurt and devistated. i came over and he told me how he is going because he cant take this city anymore, and how i should come with him. He KNEW that i couldnt go with him. I'm not that kind of girl, i come from a respectable family, and i have a good head on my shoulders... or i used to at least. i cried and he comforted me, but i didnt see any remorse in his eyes. I realised that he doesnt love me, but i couldnt accept the truth for years to come. he comforted me for two days, he was saying how he couldnt believe that i love him so much. he saw me in pain, and he comforted me but he was still leaving. But he told me that he loves me, and that he wants us to be together in montreal. two days after, he left again, and he forbid me to see him on the day that he left.
That was the worst day of my life. I slept in our bed and i had nightmares and then wouldnt end for weeks, i was so devistated, i had no one else. my family was glad he was out of my life so i couldnt even talk to anyone ever about how i felt. i even dropped out of school because i was such a mess. i was embarrassed about how i loved him, and how he left me again. the only person who noticed any pain in my eyes was my teacher, and she talked to me like a grown up, offering me some advice what she had gone through with her husband and i will always be thankful to her for that because now that im older i understand what she meant. I remember looking up to the sky that night and feeling like God and all hope has abandonded me.

His parents still stayed in touch with me and he would still call me and tell me sweet nothings. his father told me that he should stop hurting me so that he stopped calling me at all. Few months later, he called me on my birthday, and got mad at me because i was depressed and hung up on me, and that was the last time i spoke with him. it's like every time i heard about him, my soul would get crushed just a lil bit more. He knew i loved him, and that was my biggest problem. So i started trying to move on best i could after him, but i had no self esteem anymore, i felt wasted and used up, and like i had nothing more to give. I've gotten over him only because time heals and memories fade and painful events get blocked by our subconscious mind, except for when i think about that time the scars rip open, but i havent been able to heal internally. It's just not fair. He probably hasn't thought about me after the day he left and i have been tortured by my emotions for years. After he left, my life took a bad course, and i feel it all has to do with him. I havent once been able to hate him, not even for a second, but i wish i never met him. every choice i make now stems from the feelings and fears i have because of him, i started dating people who dont care about me at all because i think im scared of feeling like im loved, i've started drinking and doing drugs just so i can have a peaceful mind, i had an abortion which is the worst thing that a girl can be in a position where she feels that the best thing to do - i can no longer dream of being a mom because i feel like i dont deserve blessing after i aborted a baby. i feel like i have skeletons in my closet which i cnat share with anyone, and i feel shame and guilt. i have lost my self esteem and im no longer a beautiful person who radiates light and love. I have developed anxiety and panic attacks out of no where, i have a hard time building relationships with people, i always feel like an outsider with too much heavy baggage, i also feel like i have nothing to offer to a person, i feel that wonderful real men out there are not for me because if they knew the pain i was carrying they obviously wouldnt want me so i date losers just so i dont feel alone. I am so lost emotionally, and im sad that this man is the best thing thats happened to me, because he was just simply aweful!

His mom just added me on facebook recently (they were always respectful and kind towards me), thats why all of this was brought back to me. She told me that she divorced his father because he treated her aweful, and she told me that my ex was still in montreal, working on becoming a cop, and that he was lonely because he is spending the holidays alone. And i have a feeling that all of this is a set up for him to get some emotional feedback from me, because i always made him feel good about himself, he realized that i would always treat him like a human being, he knew i always thought that he was a valuable person and i dont think many people saw that light in him. So im ashamed to say that i am considering talking to him to get some personal closure. Im older now, and i would do anything to help myself, but im not sure that if talking to him would help me move on but maybe it needs to be done. i feel like if i just got to tell him about the pain that i went through because of him that all these years would be justified, i wouldnt even go as far as to expect an apology from him. I didnt have anyone stand up for me at the time and he wouldnt let me stand up for myself or acknowlege my pain or admit that he fu@ked around with my head. But im scared that he is still a compleate peace of shit that wouldnt even let me have that. I feel like he should face me and let me tell him that he CANT treat people like shit because it leaves people HURT and contributes to deamons in their life because if he doesn't, my soul will always search for him.

So my question is, should i contact a guy i date 4 years ago who left strong and negative imprints on my life to get some closure. I feel like it would help me if he would acknowledge my pain if he cant admit to doing anything wrong at least...
By Welch 15 years ago :: Dating
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