Does he buy a new, expensive bed... or accept some committment by sharing mine?
This is probably going to seem trivial, but I need help!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. For some that might mean marriage, or kids, or whatever, but we're both young and have been finishing university so however serious we are about each other, we haven't even moved in together.
Later this year his rental contract (locking him in with other housemates) wlll be up and we've already decided that at that point I will move into the other bedroom (that an unsavoury housemate currently occupies), while he keeps his room, and the nice housemate keeps his.
While I would be happy to move in and share a room, he wants to keep his own space. I understand this since I have a lot of stuff, I can be *pretty* messy, and the last girlfriend he moved in with ended up cheating on him, then throwing him out. Neither of us really think that's a concern, but I'm happy to let him relax into the situation until he's comfortable with more :)
HOWEVER, then comes the matter of the bed.
Neither of us have heaps of spare money, and although I'm earning a lot more now than I was during uni, he's been strugling doing freelance work and not picking up a paycheck like I am. He has an AWFUL mattress on a double bed that he doesn't like, and I have a fantastic mattress on a queen size bed that we both love. He definitely needs a new mattress, because sleeping on his gives us both terrible backaches, headaches and insomnia, and as long as he's shelling out for a new mattress we thought he might as well go a size up and get a queen size, and a queen bed since he knows how great mine is.
The problem with that is that (I now realise, after a week bed shopping) is that not only do you have the cost of a mattress, but then the bedframe, a new duvet and covers, and sheets. He currently has a great duvet and linen (which we bought new last year) for the double , but the cost of buying everything fresh for a queen size is not only crazy expensive but to me it seems silly since (within 6 months) most of the time we'll be sharing a bed anyway. Probably mine, since it's exactly what he's looking for anyway.
I've suggested that he buy a cheaper double mattress just to last the extra time, or look second hand for one, but he was used to (with his parents) having everything new, and the best money can buy. I've tried to talk to him about the huge cost (which he can't really afford) and whether he can wait and then share with me, but he has said that he needs his own space, and he gets really uncomfortable discussing it further.
I have no doubts that he intends to stay with me, intends for us to move together... but he intends for us to move in together as housemates to keep a bit of a barrier between him and "committment". He's truely uncomfortable with it, and having spent a lot of time dealing with his family and knowing about his past girlfriends, I understand.
That's fine as far as it goes, and believe me, I've been willing to play it cool for him the past four years so as not to "threaten" him with the oh-so-horrible-committment-disease, but it seems silly to me to spend a huge amount of money that he DOESNT HAVE, when a make-do mattress and then sucking it up and sharing my bed would work best :P
Hell, it would certainly cut down our rent when he feels comfortable sharing a bed, and we could sublet the extra room (furnished with double bed!) for extra cash at that point too.
I don't want him to feel invaded, or like he doesn't get to have any of his own stuff and everything has to be "ours", but it's such a weird thing to have a hang up about when we've been together so long, and he's fine with half the furnishings (and all the kitchen and dining goods) in his house being mine, and I stay with him half the time anyway. That sounds clingy, but we've always been like best friends anyway, and I try to be the least invasive possible and give him as much distance as he needs.
I've tried talking to him about it and it just bothers him, so I just wanted a few second opinions... is this a real concern, or am I just being the clingy girlfriend who wants more? Anyone have any ideas how to broach this again without sounding like I'm nagging?
I really don't want to push him now when I've waited patiently for so long, but I don't want him spending thousands of dollars that I know he can't spare... and then having that be a barrier as to why we can't just live together normally.
P.S. Please none of the "he obviously doesn't respect you.. blah blah" comments. I understand his issues, and if they weren't *his* personal issues I'd expand on them. He's doing the best he can, and I know he genuinely cares about me. He's just way outside his comfort zone and trying desperately to learn how to swim :P
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. For some that might mean marriage, or kids, or whatever, but we're both young and have been finishing university so however serious we are about each other, we haven't even moved in together.
Later this year his rental contract (locking him in with other housemates) wlll be up and we've already decided that at that point I will move into the other bedroom (that an unsavoury housemate currently occupies), while he keeps his room, and the nice housemate keeps his.
While I would be happy to move in and share a room, he wants to keep his own space. I understand this since I have a lot of stuff, I can be *pretty* messy, and the last girlfriend he moved in with ended up cheating on him, then throwing him out. Neither of us really think that's a concern, but I'm happy to let him relax into the situation until he's comfortable with more :)
HOWEVER, then comes the matter of the bed.
Neither of us have heaps of spare money, and although I'm earning a lot more now than I was during uni, he's been strugling doing freelance work and not picking up a paycheck like I am. He has an AWFUL mattress on a double bed that he doesn't like, and I have a fantastic mattress on a queen size bed that we both love. He definitely needs a new mattress, because sleeping on his gives us both terrible backaches, headaches and insomnia, and as long as he's shelling out for a new mattress we thought he might as well go a size up and get a queen size, and a queen bed since he knows how great mine is.
The problem with that is that (I now realise, after a week bed shopping) is that not only do you have the cost of a mattress, but then the bedframe, a new duvet and covers, and sheets. He currently has a great duvet and linen (which we bought new last year) for the double , but the cost of buying everything fresh for a queen size is not only crazy expensive but to me it seems silly since (within 6 months) most of the time we'll be sharing a bed anyway. Probably mine, since it's exactly what he's looking for anyway.
I've suggested that he buy a cheaper double mattress just to last the extra time, or look second hand for one, but he was used to (with his parents) having everything new, and the best money can buy. I've tried to talk to him about the huge cost (which he can't really afford) and whether he can wait and then share with me, but he has said that he needs his own space, and he gets really uncomfortable discussing it further.
I have no doubts that he intends to stay with me, intends for us to move together... but he intends for us to move in together as housemates to keep a bit of a barrier between him and "committment". He's truely uncomfortable with it, and having spent a lot of time dealing with his family and knowing about his past girlfriends, I understand.
That's fine as far as it goes, and believe me, I've been willing to play it cool for him the past four years so as not to "threaten" him with the oh-so-horrible-committment-disease, but it seems silly to me to spend a huge amount of money that he DOESNT HAVE, when a make-do mattress and then sucking it up and sharing my bed would work best :P
Hell, it would certainly cut down our rent when he feels comfortable sharing a bed, and we could sublet the extra room (furnished with double bed!) for extra cash at that point too.
I don't want him to feel invaded, or like he doesn't get to have any of his own stuff and everything has to be "ours", but it's such a weird thing to have a hang up about when we've been together so long, and he's fine with half the furnishings (and all the kitchen and dining goods) in his house being mine, and I stay with him half the time anyway. That sounds clingy, but we've always been like best friends anyway, and I try to be the least invasive possible and give him as much distance as he needs.
I've tried talking to him about it and it just bothers him, so I just wanted a few second opinions... is this a real concern, or am I just being the clingy girlfriend who wants more? Anyone have any ideas how to broach this again without sounding like I'm nagging?
I really don't want to push him now when I've waited patiently for so long, but I don't want him spending thousands of dollars that I know he can't spare... and then having that be a barrier as to why we can't just live together normally.
P.S. Please none of the "he obviously doesn't respect you.. blah blah" comments. I understand his issues, and if they weren't *his* personal issues I'd expand on them. He's doing the best he can, and I know he genuinely cares about me. He's just way outside his comfort zone and trying desperately to learn how to swim :P
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