My wife things I cant let go of the past while I think it is she who misses her past.

I've had many online female friends I talk to late into the night and my wife did not approve. I made many attempts at making her understand that there wasnt any thing serious and it was all normal. We'll I guess she finally understood and started the same thing that I was doing. Only in this case, it was with a particular guy. She even went for lunch with him (she did tell me that she was going) and later on they started texting each other in the middle of the night as well. I knew about the chatting and though I thought I would be fine with it, I really wasnt and when I finally found out about the texting, I lost my temper pretty badly (and in front of our 5 yr old daughter too). Though things didnt get physical, the impact of the incident is still quite strong. My wife doesnt believe that she was ever out of line and tells me that it is all my fault. Sure, I realise my mistakes and I have stopped my "in appropriate online chatting". After a month of a roller-coaster ride where i started smoking after a 11 year break and many a times we both though of ending our marriage, she finally severed all connections with this guy. However, she made it very clear that she did so not cos of me or our marriage but because she got fed up and also that she didnt want to live with me as I was "commanding" her to cut of all connections with him. We managed to reconcile and agreed to start anew based on the simple facts that she wouldnt have any connections with that guy and I wouldnt command her to do anything whatsoever. After about a week of peace, she tells me that since she has stopped doing things i dont like, i should also stop my smoking. The 1st thing I though when i heard this was: why is she comparing something she didnt stop for me or our marriage with my smoking? For me, it was like admitting that she missed being in contact with this guy and for all she's going through, I'm still carrying on smoking. I told her so, and she got mad saying that I cant let go of the past. Was I so wrong in thinking she should not have compared these 2 things? She strongly believes I'm wrong though I dont think so. Also, she has a major issue trusting me, specially when she's around the computer. She makes sure that she logs off when I'm around. I asked her about this, and again she got mad saying that I have a major issue and that she's just checking when I would stop checking up on her. Considering what happened, dont I have a right to have an issue with her not trusting me? All this is making me think more and more that she still has not got over this guy though when i say so, she fires back at me saying it is me who cant get this guy off my mind.