Is it unreasonable to ask a partner not to talk to his ex? (With reasoning)

I know it's not fair to put the failings of one person on another and in a sense I don't really believe in "trust issues". But I have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that my boyfriend still talks to his ex girlfriend.

Here's why. My ex and I dated for 3 years. For the first 12 months of that relationship he was talking to his ex telling her he wanted to sleep with her, was imagining sleeping with me and her at the same time, comparing us, discussing our relationship with her, talking about the plan he had had to marry her, and so on. I forgave him for that. About 18 months later he did a similar thing, texting a girl who he used to have a thing with and talking about sleeping with her. I forgave him for that as well when I should have broken up with him at the first instance.

A few points about current boyfriend and I:
- We are both 21.

- We live in different states, 10 hours apart, and see each other for 2 days every 2 weeks or so. We have been dating ~5 months.

- He says he sees his ex even less often than he sees me so I don't think it is too much of a stretch to gradually stop being in contact with her. I don't mean he has to call her up and tell her he can no longer see her. More like - just don't make plans to see her, and gradually lessen the amount of texting/messaging. Because he sees her so little I feel like this is not much to ask.

- A couple of months ago while we were in a Skype call he left the house for about 10 minutes, came back with his ex, and had her sit down at his computer and chat with me for a bit on Skype. It was so awkward. He then left the webcam off while he went into another room with her to hang out. At this point I felt a little awkward but not overly bothered by the situation.

- I am not normally a paranoid or jealous type person and I don't want to be seen as crazy or controlling. I don't get jealous if he talks to or looks at other women because I know he wants to be with me.

- That being said, knowing that he still talks to someone who he had feelings for does not sit right with me. I hesitated to ask him to actually stop seeing her and talking to her, and when I did he rebuffed me straight away. He says that he doesn't have feelings for her nor does she for him, but I don't believe in mind-reading.

- I believe due to *copious* amounts of experience that straight men and women can never be friends. One or the other will always end up with feelings.

- I want more than anything to be able to relax and enjoy this relationship without stressing over this. But sometimes it gets to me so badly that I feel physically ill and can't eat or sleep properly.

- I don't think he understands how serious this is to me despite me trying to explain it.

- When I asked him tonight if he could cut off contact he almost immediately said no. He said that he likes me as a girlfriend and her as a friend. I don't want to start thinking he values her over me, or turn it into a "thing" so that he refuses just on principle, so I would appreciate any advice.
By lokty 12 years ago :: Dating
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