Two parts: Reporting/communicating whereabouts and comparison?

My partner and I have been debating this for days. I will try to provide as much detail as possible so that I can try to remain unbiased and give both sides a fair chance. This is also a 2 part scenario.

Overview: My partner and I have been dating for just over 4 months. We do not live together, but do live 35 miles away from each other. We typically (with the exception of this last one) spend the weekends together and 1 or 2 days during the week (but the days are usually not set until the day of or before).

The Situation: My partner says that I need to tell her where I go (whether it's before or after the event) when we are not with each other. She says that I need to do it for the following reasons: (1) She has experienced infidelity and the breakup of relationships so she does not trust anyone. Therefore she cannot trust me entirely from the beginning so that I should tell her where I go so that she can build her trust in me. (2) She stated that I “should keep her posted on my outings and whereabouts” or else it “conveys a message of my willingness to withhold information”. (3) She stated that this is everyday conversation and every partner tells the other partner their whereabouts. (4) She is fully justified in this since she says she has no problems with what I do. (5) She said that she will feel uncomfortable/intrusive if she calls when I am out so she said that I should tell her when I am out so that she does not interrupt and feel uncomfortable. (6) She also said that even though I disclose everything (i.e. when/where I go) when she asks, that it is shady behavior since I have opportunities during the day to let her know so that she doesn't need to ask.

I do not feel that I need to let her know about everywhere I go as long as it is not affecting our typical schedule or affects our plans. I understand that if we were married/engaged/lived together that I should inform her of my whereabouts if they deviate from our typical schedule but we do not live together and have only been dating for just over 4 months. Over the 4 months, I have gone out to dinner and once to a movie (each time with my friends of the same sex, never with the opposite sex). Also, I never go to clubs, bars, party, have ever drinked/smoked/drugs, or, believe it or not, have ever cheated. My only outings have been for food or that one movie a few months ago. When situations arise when my partner is not busy during the evening, I will always invite her to come along to any outing. Otherwise, I do not find it necessary for me to tell her every time that I am going to eat with a friend (same sex).

The Compromise: Although I feel deep down in my bones that I do not need to communicate with her every time I go somewhere, that it feels like an invasion of privacy, and that it shows the beginning signs of a possibly controlling relationship, I am still trying to accommodate her wishes. I said that I will try to be more mindful if I have plans and will try to let her know but I will not make it a forced habit to where I feel that I need to report all of my steps to her. She was only ½ happy and said that she can accept it and move on. After “moving on”, she knew I had plans for a wedding (I could not invite a +1). I sent her 2 text messages on two different occasions that day to let her know I was navigating to the wedding and finally that the wedding had ended and was on my way home. She responded 2 hours later cancelling cookout plans we had for the following day stating that she was still ‘bothered' about our situation even though I tried communicating with her my actions that day.

Part TWO: As mentioned above, my partner states that my communication of my whereabouts on a daily basis will help her build her trust in me. I feel that this is a trust insecurity that she needs to deal with on her own. In comparison, I tried bringing up a similar situation that exploits my trust insecurities. I understand that not all women are cheaters and I have no idea whether it's the majority or minority of women that cheat (yes, men are just as bad). However, I can say with absolute certainty that most women I know have cheated on their husband/fiancée/bf because they flat out told me. As it turns out, I have found that several women I have dated before were currently in the process of cheating while we were dating! Since this is an anonymous post, I will also state that both my sister and current partner have even cheated in the past as well. Therefore, all of this makes it very hard for me to trust that a woman I am dating will not cheat. These are some huge insecurities that I need to deal with on my own. My partner is very attractive so I know that she always gets attention. Her phone is constantly notifying her of a text message or call. This definitely brings out the insecurities in me yet I respect her privacy enough to where I will not question who text/calls her. I told her that this is the same as her situation. She wants me to tell her where I am on a daily basis so that I can help her build her trust in me and I would like for her to tell me who she texts/calls during the day so that I can start building trust in her. Of course, I will not do this but I tried to offer this to her so she could see my perspective yet she states they are completely different. To build upon my insecurities, there is an ex co-worker she nearly idolizes and says that he is amazing at his job. One night he called her and she answered. In a nutshell, he asked her out. My partner asked me what she should do. I asked her if she plans on going on a date with him and she said no but if she should text him now or call him later to decline. I said that she should probably text him now. So, she texted him to tell him that she is committed to someone else yet she is willing to go to lunch or drinks as friends. She also volunteered the information to me that “had she been single, she would have accepted the date.” She also stated “She was not physically attracted to him, but she was attracted in other ways like emotionally.” Talk about playing into my insecurities!! Anyways, would these 2 situations be similar or not?

Would you guys/gals please provide some insight on both parts of this question? If I am wrong, then please let me know because I feel like I am doing what's best for both her and for me.

By Ben_000 10 years ago :: Dating
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