Stalemate - where to go?
I very rarely turn to online forums to get others' opinions, as I like to work things out for myself, but just a bit stuck and wondering what others' thoughts are on this issue, and will do my best to be open to constructive criticism :)
I had a plan to move overseas, as I'd been wanting to for 10+ years, but various circumstances kept stopping me, the latest being having to move back to my parents' and care for them after some illnesses (a situation which will change at the end of the year). This means I had to get a part-time work-from-home job and go on a carer's pension as well (which is pitifully small), so I suffer financially.
I did decide that when the situation changes at the end of the year, I would just move overseas once and for all. So I wasn't looking for a relationship, but a wonderful guy came along a little while ago; and despite my wariness and fears due to past relationships, and wanting to be single, and wanting to move o/s, he treated me so differently to any way I've been treated before. He also understood my desire to move and even showed a willingness to follow me, either overseas or at least more into the country. Our relationship ended up moving extremely quickly, to both our surprises, but we just went with it.
But now, when talk about the end of the year comes up, he is showing a reluctance to move after all; he said he probably wouldn't be able to find work o/s. It was a hard decision for me to give up my dream, but after a lot of thinking, I realised for the sake of our relationship I would probably have to. But then he said even living here but in the country, he wouldn't find work. So I pared it down to the Greater Sydney area, as it's still quite bushy and country in places, and at first he'd liked that idea as well … but then he began saying he doesn't want to leave his area or his job, period, because he lives just a couple mins' drive from work and doesn't want to travel, as sometimes he has very early starts (I do understand that), and he's afraid he won't get another job if he moves. But I know he's good at his job, and he's told me he gets head-hunted from places all around Sydney and Greater Sydney! One of these places was right near where we'd been looking at moving, but then he did the what-ifs – what if work falls through and he gets let go, etc.
He keeps coming back to one solution: I come and live with him in the unit he rents, in his suburb (which most people avoid - high-crime, dodgy area, nothing to do), even though it means giving up my dog. (I was going to take her overseas; quarantine regulations allowed it.) I was pretty surprised, as he does know I love my dog, she's seen me through some rough times, she's ageing, and I actually do volunteer work to save dogs that have been abandoned by their owners! But he tells me she's “just a dogâ€, and I should leave her with my folks (except I know they won't look after her that well). My dog has been there for me through all my serious relationships, by-the-way, and is still left standing when they fall through. He thinks I'm choosing her over him – but considering we could pool rent money and move into a place with a yard, I don't believe a choice should be forced needlessly. And frankly, to me it looks like he's choosing his comfort zone over me. And I don't feel that I can work in dog rescue, trying to rehome dogs, if I could so easily leave my own behind! It shows a lack of taking responsibility, in my eyes, and surely that can't be good in a relationship either.
He had another objection to finding a place with a yard, even if it's in his area and close to his work – he's afraid that (because his ex did this to him) I'll stop paying the rent and he'll be left supporting me financially and struggling with it all!
I was about ready to throw my hands in the air and call it quits. I understand he's worried because of my current financial situation – but by the time I'm in a position to move out, that will also be when I can go off the carer's pension and get a full-time job. Even with my part-time one, I can pay rent, as I've done it on my own before. But he says he wasn't around before when I was doing that, and all he sees now is someone living with their parents and struggling, and he just wants to know he won't be stuck going backwards himself. I understand his view, but this all makes me feel a bit like I'm being viewed as a child, and forced to jump through hoops. And if I AM going to rent on my own, it ain't gonna be around Sydney, because I don't see the point in both of us wasting money on separate exorbitant rents. So he'll still be there, and I'll be out in the country with the dog, unable to leave her for weekends, so he'll be spending more money using his petrol-guzzling car to come visit me!
This is the major issue that we have. In a lot of other respects he is very kind, generous, giving, and loving, and I don't want people to think I'm seeing him as some kind of inflexible jerk. If he was, I wouldn't stay because I'm sick of those kind of relationships. But if we can't even agree on a place to live together, and I feel I'm compromising more and more on my plans with none on his part, I don't really know what to do. He doesn't see it as me compromising, by-the-way – to be fair, his point of view is that he's the one with the steady job and a place with cheap rent, whereas I can move anywhere. I do understand that, I really do. But I don't see the point in needlessly giving up my dog and living in a suburb I really don't want to be in for life. Because he is also now talking about being there for the REST of his working life, and only moving to the country when we retire – which is 30+ years away! And really, not to be a snob (I'm too poor to be one, lol), but I want to raise kids somewhere else than in his area (where the school system is also a joke). And I'd rather live my dreams now than when I'm old and can't enjoy it. He calls it “realismâ€, and I'm about up to the eyeballs with hearing his plans described as “realistic†and mine as “dreamingâ€.
He has started to concede some of my points and has begun looking for places with at least a small yard, but they're all still too expensive within the short radius of his work, and he just refuses to be travelling more than 20 minutes to work. I try to respect that, but I've had plenty of jobs where it's taken me 90 minutes each way to get to and from work – it is exhausting, but to me that's also “realistic†sometimes when you're trying to get ahead financially. I don't expect him to do that much travel, because as I said, he has early starts sometimes, but maybe a little more than 20 mins if it means a place we can both enjoy being at home in. I dunno.
So, fellow SideTakers, what should I do? Has anyone been in a situation like this? Should I just go ahead and follow my dream of moving overseas or to the country anyway? Rent a cheap country cottage and let him just travel to see me, and see if he can get used to the idea of living and working there? Or am I best to just try and find a place that will suit both us and the dog in suburbia, and make the most of the situation (providing he doesn't insist on me renting alone first)? Or am I being petty, unreasonable, and selfish? Maybe I am being a bit naïve, I dunno ... that's why I'm asking the question, to get some perspective.
Things came to a head when I was again virtually told I needed to choose between my dog and him. I don't want to go down that path, and decided it was best to end it. Perhaps things will work out and we'll stay together, but I don't want to lose who I am again. I think just writing it out here made it clearer in my head as well. Thanks SideTakers :)
I had a plan to move overseas, as I'd been wanting to for 10+ years, but various circumstances kept stopping me, the latest being having to move back to my parents' and care for them after some illnesses (a situation which will change at the end of the year). This means I had to get a part-time work-from-home job and go on a carer's pension as well (which is pitifully small), so I suffer financially.
I did decide that when the situation changes at the end of the year, I would just move overseas once and for all. So I wasn't looking for a relationship, but a wonderful guy came along a little while ago; and despite my wariness and fears due to past relationships, and wanting to be single, and wanting to move o/s, he treated me so differently to any way I've been treated before. He also understood my desire to move and even showed a willingness to follow me, either overseas or at least more into the country. Our relationship ended up moving extremely quickly, to both our surprises, but we just went with it.
But now, when talk about the end of the year comes up, he is showing a reluctance to move after all; he said he probably wouldn't be able to find work o/s. It was a hard decision for me to give up my dream, but after a lot of thinking, I realised for the sake of our relationship I would probably have to. But then he said even living here but in the country, he wouldn't find work. So I pared it down to the Greater Sydney area, as it's still quite bushy and country in places, and at first he'd liked that idea as well … but then he began saying he doesn't want to leave his area or his job, period, because he lives just a couple mins' drive from work and doesn't want to travel, as sometimes he has very early starts (I do understand that), and he's afraid he won't get another job if he moves. But I know he's good at his job, and he's told me he gets head-hunted from places all around Sydney and Greater Sydney! One of these places was right near where we'd been looking at moving, but then he did the what-ifs – what if work falls through and he gets let go, etc.
He keeps coming back to one solution: I come and live with him in the unit he rents, in his suburb (which most people avoid - high-crime, dodgy area, nothing to do), even though it means giving up my dog. (I was going to take her overseas; quarantine regulations allowed it.) I was pretty surprised, as he does know I love my dog, she's seen me through some rough times, she's ageing, and I actually do volunteer work to save dogs that have been abandoned by their owners! But he tells me she's “just a dogâ€, and I should leave her with my folks (except I know they won't look after her that well). My dog has been there for me through all my serious relationships, by-the-way, and is still left standing when they fall through. He thinks I'm choosing her over him – but considering we could pool rent money and move into a place with a yard, I don't believe a choice should be forced needlessly. And frankly, to me it looks like he's choosing his comfort zone over me. And I don't feel that I can work in dog rescue, trying to rehome dogs, if I could so easily leave my own behind! It shows a lack of taking responsibility, in my eyes, and surely that can't be good in a relationship either.
He had another objection to finding a place with a yard, even if it's in his area and close to his work – he's afraid that (because his ex did this to him) I'll stop paying the rent and he'll be left supporting me financially and struggling with it all!
I was about ready to throw my hands in the air and call it quits. I understand he's worried because of my current financial situation – but by the time I'm in a position to move out, that will also be when I can go off the carer's pension and get a full-time job. Even with my part-time one, I can pay rent, as I've done it on my own before. But he says he wasn't around before when I was doing that, and all he sees now is someone living with their parents and struggling, and he just wants to know he won't be stuck going backwards himself. I understand his view, but this all makes me feel a bit like I'm being viewed as a child, and forced to jump through hoops. And if I AM going to rent on my own, it ain't gonna be around Sydney, because I don't see the point in both of us wasting money on separate exorbitant rents. So he'll still be there, and I'll be out in the country with the dog, unable to leave her for weekends, so he'll be spending more money using his petrol-guzzling car to come visit me!
This is the major issue that we have. In a lot of other respects he is very kind, generous, giving, and loving, and I don't want people to think I'm seeing him as some kind of inflexible jerk. If he was, I wouldn't stay because I'm sick of those kind of relationships. But if we can't even agree on a place to live together, and I feel I'm compromising more and more on my plans with none on his part, I don't really know what to do. He doesn't see it as me compromising, by-the-way – to be fair, his point of view is that he's the one with the steady job and a place with cheap rent, whereas I can move anywhere. I do understand that, I really do. But I don't see the point in needlessly giving up my dog and living in a suburb I really don't want to be in for life. Because he is also now talking about being there for the REST of his working life, and only moving to the country when we retire – which is 30+ years away! And really, not to be a snob (I'm too poor to be one, lol), but I want to raise kids somewhere else than in his area (where the school system is also a joke). And I'd rather live my dreams now than when I'm old and can't enjoy it. He calls it “realismâ€, and I'm about up to the eyeballs with hearing his plans described as “realistic†and mine as “dreamingâ€.
He has started to concede some of my points and has begun looking for places with at least a small yard, but they're all still too expensive within the short radius of his work, and he just refuses to be travelling more than 20 minutes to work. I try to respect that, but I've had plenty of jobs where it's taken me 90 minutes each way to get to and from work – it is exhausting, but to me that's also “realistic†sometimes when you're trying to get ahead financially. I don't expect him to do that much travel, because as I said, he has early starts sometimes, but maybe a little more than 20 mins if it means a place we can both enjoy being at home in. I dunno.
So, fellow SideTakers, what should I do? Has anyone been in a situation like this? Should I just go ahead and follow my dream of moving overseas or to the country anyway? Rent a cheap country cottage and let him just travel to see me, and see if he can get used to the idea of living and working there? Or am I best to just try and find a place that will suit both us and the dog in suburbia, and make the most of the situation (providing he doesn't insist on me renting alone first)? Or am I being petty, unreasonable, and selfish? Maybe I am being a bit naïve, I dunno ... that's why I'm asking the question, to get some perspective.
Things came to a head when I was again virtually told I needed to choose between my dog and him. I don't want to go down that path, and decided it was best to end it. Perhaps things will work out and we'll stay together, but I don't want to lose who I am again. I think just writing it out here made it clearer in my head as well. Thanks SideTakers :)
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