My boyfriend misrepresented his relationship with his roommate of the opposite sex. Do I stay with him anyway?

When I met my boyfriend I had a roommate of the opposite sex whom I met on a dating website but whom I was only ever friends with. (on the first date I told him I wasn't interested but we remained friends) When I started dating my boyfriend, he was promptly introduced to my roommate and the two of them saw each other regularly as they passed during my boyfriend's visits. He eventually even met my roommates new girlfriend.

My boyfriend also has a roommate of the opposite sex. I was told they were only ever friends and trusted that to be the case. After six month, though, I'd never met her. In the many times I'd been to their home and seen her 12 year old daughter...I never saw her. I recently learned that while I visited my boyfriend twice at his workplace (he is a bartender) she was sitting at the bar and he never introduced us. He said she didn't want to be introduced. (??) When I asked why, I was told he didn't really know. And when I asked why he gave HER the choice of us meeting instead of me....I got an apology and an admission that it was not a very good decision on his part. Still...it was already done. I am very hurt that his 'good friend' doesn't care to meet me, that he gave HER the option of meeting vs. me and seems to put her feelings above mine!!!! He doesn't see these things as problematic because she helped him through a rough time previously and he feels indebted to her. Details on that are at the end of this post...

Shortly after learning about her being at the bar to visit with my boyfriend...I discovered that she gives him letters,cards and texts all the time with commentary including things like: I thank God I have you in my life, You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I luv you, etc etc. Needless to say this has me HOT to put it mildly. I've never known FRIENDS to speak to each other this way!?!? He swears he has no interest in her beyond a close friendship. He now admits, however, that he thinks SHE is interested in him romantically but swears nothing has ever happened and that he wouldn't let it. He also says this is merely a suspicion and the it has never been articulated.

I feel it is not only inappropriate for her to be doing this when she knows he has a girlfriend, but it is not very respectful of my boyfriend to allow this kind of behavior to continue when he knows it hurts me terribly. I want to trust him, but this seems like just as much an issue of him disrespectingo me as it is about trust. I feel my boyfriend should move in with me or just plain move out of that home! But finances are very tight for him and she gives him lots of flexibility with making payments if/when he can. I offer him the same flexibility but he says he doesn't want to start a life living with me not on his own two feet.

I asked to speak with this woman during a recent visit to my boyfriend's place. (the basement of her house) I let her know calmly but infatically that I disliked what she was doing, that it made me uncomfortable and I didn't feel her behavior was that of a friend or else she would have been happy to meet the woman that makes her "friend" happy vs. hiding from me. I even asked if anything was or ever had gone on and offered to step aside if there was something so as to not be in the middle of THEIR relationship! I was clear that if they were not involved and I am free to be his girlfriend... that I felt she had crossed a line. She assured me they had never been more than friends but they have a "special" and "unique" friendship that cannot be described. Now both this woman and my boyfriend say I disrespected her in her own home by telling her that she crossed a line with my boyfriend. Quite the contrary, I feel very disrespected!!!!

My boyfriend would argue the following:
1. I found out about the texts, cards, notes etc. by snooping his personal belongings. (true, but there shouldn't be any secrets for me to discover in this manner in the first place)
2. He was nearly homeless a few years ago when they became friends and she took him in during a very hard time...right after a divorce, losing his job, going through bankrupcy and having no place to live. He feels indebted to her for saving him during a time when he had nothing.
3. When the two of them first met she was married. Her husband got sick and she gave up her kidney for him. He thanked her by smoking and drinking himself to death...wasting the kidney she gave him. He feels badly for her!
4. She is diagnosed with colon Cancer - she seems to be doing okay but...obviously this is serious. Again, he feels badly for her and a sense of responsibility to be there for her like she was for him.

All of this, while understandably significant...doesn't (to me) make it okay to not respect me as his girlfriend. We are 40 and 41...we aren't kids! I'd have been more than happy to make their friendship a part of our relationship...but after all the secrets and behavior....it's too late for that. He seems to care about her so much (as a 'friend') that it is impacting our ability to move forward as a couple. I want to get married and have kids. I want him to move in! He is basically saying he can't leave her alone in the house during such a tough time. It could be YEARS before he life stabilizes if at all!?!? Is this fair of my boyfriend? Am I being selfish????? Do I just need to move on? Is he using all of this as an excuse to stay with her...or is he really just trying to manage things the best way he knows how???? I'm not sure if he's playing me or what. :(
By LLK1169 9 years ago :: Dating
  • Robert Betancourt
    MA, Professional Counseling,Therapist
    Emotional Healing-25+ years experience in helping people find solutions that work. "one of the best therapists here" $2.49/minute
       4.93/5
  • Rafael Morales
    MA-MS, MHT-MHRS
    I have extensive training and expertise in clinical, counseling, transpersonal/integral psychology and coaching. I provide support to those willing to work on themselves… $2.75/minute
       4.84/5
  • View More Experts
    6