Should I choose how I feel or the facts? (this is a long and complicated issue be careful)
I've been dating a girl for almost a year now. I met her because we are int he same program in grad school. When I first met her I she was dating someone for 6 years. I thought to myself wow that's amazing and I spoke to her on and off. She was a very sweet person (would print out notes for me when I was late to class) I gave her rides once in a while to the train station because she didn't have to walk (she din't knowhow to drive). We eventually became good friends and I never thought anything of it. Now one day she comes to me telling me about how theres a problem in with her boyfriend bc she has to commute 4.5 hours roundtrip daily to go home to him in the city. Now the program we are in is crazy difficult and this affected her performance. I had helped her brainstorm ideas to make this work but eventually they broke up. As we became better friends I learned more about her ex and it wasn't pretty. He was physically and verbally abusive, and messed her up financially, and screwed her credit etc etc and she always told me it was her fault bc her ex had ingrained that in her. Now I was straight outta college 21 years old (she was 24 at the time) and I did my best to help her through this time.(I'd never had a gf and a limited sex life but thats crazy parents and another story) I drove her to where she needed to go, helped her find a new place, etc etc etc (these etc are actually a crazy long list of things).
One day we got drunk and ended at her place and she kissed me! I was surprised but I enjoyed it (this was the beginning of January, 2011). We started secretly hooking up (just kissing sex came like 3 months later) and it started getting serious enough that although we both didn't have to say it outright but we knew it was an exclusive type of thing based on the type of people we both are and our actions. At party one night (2 months in) she ends up getting really close to some other guy, I got pissed and left. Next day I find she kissed him. I asked her why and she said she was afraid of how close we were getting. She admitted it was wrong and I eventually forgave her and we moved on. Since then she refused to let other people know about me but eventually we became official around 4.5 months into it. (Note: all this while I had driven her to the city and back (4 hour commute) multiple times. Since we weren't having sex and only making up I'd usually drive her to her house then drive back to mine almost every night! We lived at opposite ends of our university.
Her cheating, and refusal to go official after my many requests shouldve been my first warning. After that we spent the summer apart at different internships. I got her like 4 gifts from all over India (the international internship I was at) and she got me nothing from Columbia (where she went). Not that I expected something of crazy monetary value but anything to show that she cared. She showed me presents she got other people yet nothign for me! After the summer things started going even more downhill. She got a new place with some friends and she refused to sleep over at my place again because she said she had her own place? Even when its late night and it was just more comfortable for the both of us since my place is much closer to school than hers is. I could come stay over maybe 1 night at a time but thats it. She started taking advantage of me, breaking plans off with me to hang out with other people, disrespecting me and worst of all losing her patients with me! She'd yell at me for the stupidest things or raise her voice and say my name in a condescending way. I talked to her about it very calmly telling her btw this isn't cool and she told me she's sorry but she's gets pissy and bitchy at people who are close to her!
So begins the viscous cycle of her bending over backwards to be nice to her friends while they treat her like crap (she does this bc she's afraid of losing friends. She lost a lot of them after breaking up with her ex) and then she goes on to treat me like crap while i'm taking care of her etc. Based on these actions and some more direct ones I know she doesn't love me. She asked me if I loved her once and I said I don't know and then she says she doesn't feel that way. Recently she bitched at me multiple days in a row and every time i pointed it out and calmly told her to stop till one last time I just lost it and calmly told her that was it and left. I'd tried to break up with her once before because it got really bad (1.5 months ago) but she really asked for fogiveness then and I gave it to her. Things got better for a while but here we are.
This was at the beginning of our chirstmas break which ends in 2 days. She barely attempted to make ammends. She made all these plans to hangout with all our friends while I was locked away in my room. She never seriously apologized. I was secretly hoping she'd skip out on a plan and just come over and hang out with me but she didn't. Now the break is almost over and I feel like crap because this was the last break I'll ever have for a long time (medical school sucks) and I wasted it sitting in my room while she went out and her all her fun. I don't know what to do? 1. I know I care for her a lot yet I don't see her returning that affection in soo many aspects. 2. I'm pissed at her because I do blame her for ruining my break. The more I think about how my breaks gone and how she didn't even care to make ammends (she called once and then just gave up) I get more and more pissed off. She says she invited me to all the parties but how was I supposed to go so furious at her when she didn't even ask for a true apology.
I'm supposed to go to this party for new years eve but her and those same so called friends who she bends backwards for are going to be there. I know it will sadden me and piss me off because I take so much care of her and she treats me like crap while she treats her friends like they're the best.
At the same time I don't wanna not even have a little fun before we start studying for the most important and difficult exam of our life.
What to do?
Am I taking it the wrong way?
Is she right?
If you've survived reading this long please answer any of these questions I haven't talked to anyone about it because who would I tell these things to w/o ruining her rep?
One day we got drunk and ended at her place and she kissed me! I was surprised but I enjoyed it (this was the beginning of January, 2011). We started secretly hooking up (just kissing sex came like 3 months later) and it started getting serious enough that although we both didn't have to say it outright but we knew it was an exclusive type of thing based on the type of people we both are and our actions. At party one night (2 months in) she ends up getting really close to some other guy, I got pissed and left. Next day I find she kissed him. I asked her why and she said she was afraid of how close we were getting. She admitted it was wrong and I eventually forgave her and we moved on. Since then she refused to let other people know about me but eventually we became official around 4.5 months into it. (Note: all this while I had driven her to the city and back (4 hour commute) multiple times. Since we weren't having sex and only making up I'd usually drive her to her house then drive back to mine almost every night! We lived at opposite ends of our university.
Her cheating, and refusal to go official after my many requests shouldve been my first warning. After that we spent the summer apart at different internships. I got her like 4 gifts from all over India (the international internship I was at) and she got me nothing from Columbia (where she went). Not that I expected something of crazy monetary value but anything to show that she cared. She showed me presents she got other people yet nothign for me! After the summer things started going even more downhill. She got a new place with some friends and she refused to sleep over at my place again because she said she had her own place? Even when its late night and it was just more comfortable for the both of us since my place is much closer to school than hers is. I could come stay over maybe 1 night at a time but thats it. She started taking advantage of me, breaking plans off with me to hang out with other people, disrespecting me and worst of all losing her patients with me! She'd yell at me for the stupidest things or raise her voice and say my name in a condescending way. I talked to her about it very calmly telling her btw this isn't cool and she told me she's sorry but she's gets pissy and bitchy at people who are close to her!
So begins the viscous cycle of her bending over backwards to be nice to her friends while they treat her like crap (she does this bc she's afraid of losing friends. She lost a lot of them after breaking up with her ex) and then she goes on to treat me like crap while i'm taking care of her etc. Based on these actions and some more direct ones I know she doesn't love me. She asked me if I loved her once and I said I don't know and then she says she doesn't feel that way. Recently she bitched at me multiple days in a row and every time i pointed it out and calmly told her to stop till one last time I just lost it and calmly told her that was it and left. I'd tried to break up with her once before because it got really bad (1.5 months ago) but she really asked for fogiveness then and I gave it to her. Things got better for a while but here we are.
This was at the beginning of our chirstmas break which ends in 2 days. She barely attempted to make ammends. She made all these plans to hangout with all our friends while I was locked away in my room. She never seriously apologized. I was secretly hoping she'd skip out on a plan and just come over and hang out with me but she didn't. Now the break is almost over and I feel like crap because this was the last break I'll ever have for a long time (medical school sucks) and I wasted it sitting in my room while she went out and her all her fun. I don't know what to do? 1. I know I care for her a lot yet I don't see her returning that affection in soo many aspects. 2. I'm pissed at her because I do blame her for ruining my break. The more I think about how my breaks gone and how she didn't even care to make ammends (she called once and then just gave up) I get more and more pissed off. She says she invited me to all the parties but how was I supposed to go so furious at her when she didn't even ask for a true apology.
I'm supposed to go to this party for new years eve but her and those same so called friends who she bends backwards for are going to be there. I know it will sadden me and piss me off because I take so much care of her and she treats me like crap while she treats her friends like they're the best.
At the same time I don't wanna not even have a little fun before we start studying for the most important and difficult exam of our life.
What to do?
Am I taking it the wrong way?
Is she right?
If you've survived reading this long please answer any of these questions I haven't talked to anyone about it because who would I tell these things to w/o ruining her rep?
7