Am I staying with a bad boyfriend because I am too scared I won't find anyone else?

I met this boy when I was in high school about 7 years ago playing a game online. He really hit it off and spent the next 6 years talking on the phone and visiting each other every other weekend. I was for sure he was the one; he was so dark and sensitive and just got me. Well last May he moved here because 6 years is about 5 ½ years too long to have a long distance relationship and honestly I was done if he didn't move here. SO he moved here and we fought a lot when he first got here because; well he brought his brother who was suppose to stay 1 week and stayed 7 WEEKS, they had never been apart before. And I had never realized how close he was with his family, oddly close at least to me. Anyway, I'll admit it was mostly me that did the fighting then, I was working 7days a week because we could not find him a job to save our lives. Also we weren't um ‘involved' very often; he said it was because he felt useless without a job. Then he finally got a job and he became such a crank. His job was at 4am to 1pm and he would sleep almost all the other hours. And if I went into the bedroom while he was sleeping I was cursed at and had things thrown at me; he also must has total silence for the 16 hours a day he sleeps, which means the tv can't be above 5; I can't talk on the phone and I can't play games on the computer. If I do he pounds on the head board so hard I'm afraid it will crack. I got to see him very little, even less when school started back and I had to work go to school and go to clinicals. Then when we are home at the same time he doesn't talk to me he calls his mother and his brother, who he talks to for at least an hour everyday. I wish I could get him to talk to me for 10 minutes! Some how we did manage to meet up at least once because I had a miscarriage in Oct. I was beside myself, and he told me “who cares we didn't need a kid anyway”. I got really depressed and gained about 20lbs. who cares was basically his response to any and all of my feelings or problems. I knew he had always said he didn't care about anything else but I never thought that included me. Why had he purposed if he didn't care? Then he got a second job and became even more of a bear. I sleep on the couch because I come home and 12am from my job and I won't go in the room.
Lately, I have been so busy and stressed with finishing school this semester that I haven't been cleaning very amazingly. But I have one little pile where I keep my clothes I take off and I keep all my dishes on my desk. He is constantly, muttering, yelling, cursing, and threatening; about the house and the more he does the less I care and the less I clean. I feel bad for being so spiteful but he doesn't really have room to talk about being messy. He has not cleaned the bathroom once since he move in a year ago! But that is besides the point.
We basically don't touch at all any more even when I just go to hug or kiss him he pushes me a way or yells at me to get off. But then if I say something about it he says he's just tired and then he tries to touch me and it just makes me mad I have to say something to him and don't even want him to touch me after that. It has been so long since….that….that I missed my period last months and immediately thought TUMOR! I was scared and ran in and told him the test was pos, because I've had a lot of issues since my miscarriage and he said “…abortion” and went back to sleep.
Some days I feel like I love him, but other days if I could afford it I think I'd leave. I'm not sure if I'm staying because
a) we waited so long to be together that it just has to work out
b) I am hoping once school is done our lives will be more normal and we can be happy
c) I can't afford it
d) I have never been with anyone else and don't know how to talk to men at all
e) am pretty sure I will be alone forever… I don't like many people
f) it would be so mean to leave a guy that moved to be with you
Anyway I don't know what to do, but I know I am tired of his insensitivity and the man that he has become. I think I am starting to hate him a little. I tried to keep this honest but it's obviously a little one sided. Thanks for whatever advice you have.
By 14 years ago :: Dating
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