He left and never knew we had a child. Now he's back and I don't know if I want him, or how to tell him.

This is going to be way too long to get every bit of info in here, and it spans way too many years to even try, but here goes I guess.
I'm a single mother of a two and a half year old girl. I never thought my life would turn out this way. A few years ago I was happy wth my boyfriend, secure in my job and really happy with the way my life was going. We were moving in together and we were starting to think about marriage and I was pretty sure we were in it for the long run. I was 23 and life seemed to be working out just right. Then something happened, out of the blue, and in no way did I think it was a bad thing!
I came into some money, enough to see me comfortably through quite a long time, and to stop renting and buy instead. I was over the moon and assumed my boyfriend would be too, and happy that the financial part of our life just got so much easier! I mean, everyone was starting to worry more about money then, and suddenly it's like bam, it's all taken care of. I thought it was exactly what we needed to start building our life together.
He's always had some issues about money and wealth because of his parents, and that's his bussiness so I don't want to talk about it too much. But as very wealthy people themselves, their treatment of him and others has really left him with issues about money.

I didn't notice at first he was acting kinda constrained towards me, I tried to talk to him about it and not shove the money in his face, figured he'd come around eventually. I thought he was having some temporary "breadwinner" doubts, and he'd move past them. A month later and he was gone, just took off, apparently quit his job and went overseas. I had no idea what had happened, thought he'd been in an accident when he never came home, tried calling him, his friends, his parents... no one would talk to me. His parents told me to leave well enough alone. I was desolated.
3 months later I realised I was pregnant.

I tried contacting him. I tried everything. I hired a lawyer. No one knew where he'd gone. I wasn't about to tell his parents the reason I was pushing so hard, when they were already beginning to regard me as some sort of pathetic stalker chick their son dumped. I didn't even tell my own parents, for a long, long time. Everyone felt so sorry for me, and wanted to talk about it. I couldn't deal with it, so I left.

I moved state, bought a house (that I still love!), and started working from home, which has turned out to be great for my career. I'd moved to a city they we had always wanted to live in, which I realised a long time later was partly because I hoped to find him there. But it turned out to be really good for me. The first few months I pretty much holed up in that half furnished house, working my ass off and didn't know anyone in the entire city. I gradually made friends. I built myself a life. I've tried dating but I never really got over him, and everyone else seemed like paper cut-out people compared. Plus, dating as a single parent has many complications, which are too much for the average guy. My little girl is the most amazing part of my life, and I wouldn't give her up in a second even if I could travel back through time and do everything differently.

I saw him in the street last week. Outside the studio I do a lot of work out of. My name is on the plaque on the door. I panicked, and ran. Later I heard he'd asked at reception after me. They gave me a number to call. I didn't. I went home, surprised the babysitter and gave her the afternoon off, and tried not to think about it. Two days ago he called the house.

I never knew why he left. I've come up with a million different reasons over the years since it happened. I never thought I'd see him again. I never thought, after the first few months, then the next six months, then the next and the next.. I never thought I'd have to tell him about our daughter. I tried so hard, and prepared myself each day as if "today is the day he'll come back. Today is the day he'll call and apologise. Today is the day I'll search for his facebook page and drop him a note." But after awhile that stopped. I stopped thinking it was only a matter of time, and thought I'd never see him again.

I met up with him that afternoon, after his call. He didn't have any answers for me. Said he'd missed me, said he'd made a mistake. Said he'd been running from that mistake these last few years, said everything the guy in the romance movie says. I wanted him back. I was furious at him, hurt, and yet when we spoke it was exactly as it always was, and we fell into speaking so comortably. It felt right. I hated that it felt right. I tried to keep my distance, put him off when he talked about meeting up again, gave him half answers when he asked about my life. I didn't tell him about our daughter. I had no idea what to do.

I feel as if he has no right back into my - our - life. I don't know why he left, how could I ever trust him now that he's returned? My daughter doesn't need someone in her life who could just run off on her at any second, and I don't want to confuse her with a daddy who disappears one day. But I want him, I've always wanted him, and as furious and hurt as I am I can't help sliding back into our old roles when I talk to him.

He never wanted children. He ran as far and as fast as he could from a life with me when he had the choice. He has no real reaon for leaving, and can't offer any certainties now that he's back. I want him back, but I feel as if I'm going to need to push him away as hard as I can to keep him from enterting my daughter's life. I don't know what to do.

He came by again today, came right up to the door when I was saying bye to the babysitter and struggling with my keys on the way in. I panicked and made it sound like I was minding my daughter for her "mother" - the babysitter (a friend who gave me a very weird look!!) and somehow he ended up inside and I was making him tea. He was playing with our daughter, who was climbing all over him because she loves people. They got along great and he thought she was adorable. I was terrified he'd notice the resemblance and clue on, or she'd say mama, or he'd notice that she LIVED there.

Part of me wants to do it all again, and run. Pack up and leave the city, and this time work under a business name and not publicise my own. Part of me doesn't ever want him to find us again. Part of me never wants to leave him again. Part of me is terrified of him leaving again.

But part of me is wondering if hey, what if he made a mistake just like he says? Sometimes people just do things they regret. Sometimes that's all there is to it. And life can go on again, if you let it. Looking at him playing with our daughter I thought he could love her. And I know I never stepped loving him. And now I have no idea what to do.

This question could having gone under dating, or marriage, or parenthood. I have no idea really. I just have no idea what to do, and I know he did an amazingly horrible thing... I just dont know if I should let that ruin the rest of both our lives. I have no intention of leaping back into anything with him, but I don't know how hard I should be pushing him away, either. And at the very least, I'm going to have to tell him about our daughter.

And some other part of my brain is whispering.. what if he finally decided he wants in on the money??
By mAudlin 14 years ago :: Dating
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