Am I in an 8 year fantasy? How can I make it reality?

We have been together for 7/8 years he is 31 and i am 28. I say this because last year he cheated on me and left me for nine months. Not knowing he took this other woman "Maria" away for his 30th birthday because I couldn't go for work reasons. When he got back from this trip he would just tell me he needed space, blamed me for not giving him attention and going away with him, not once mentioning he was cheating on me with Maria. Finally i found out by being sneaky and looking through his email, which was 100% wrong but i had to follow my gut. He would tell me he was done with her and we would be engaged by the end of the year. The very next day at three in the morning her car was at his house. He and I got into a physical altercation. He states he was trying to restrain me. He blamed me for going else where and cheating. He stated that I lacked in a lot of categories as a woman and partner. We didn't speak for about three months. He came back but was still with Maria as well as "speaking" to other women. I began seeing him again then I became pregnant and he wanted me to get an abortion almost forcing me. I did not, but then miscarried. Apparently before I miscarried he ignored Maria and she had enough and the relationship ended. We have been back together for 4 months now. When we argue he says very hurtful things about that past relationship ie. "yeah, and she was good too". We are still or I should say I am struggling with the same issues I had before he cheated. Which are I have to court him, meaning I have to go to his house and cater to him as if he were the woman. I have insecurities that I don't know how to deal with and he doesn't show me any consideration or empathy. He has yet to speak to my father about his indiscretions (I am hispanic with a traditional parent). My fathers approval means a lot to me. He makes promises that he does not keep. Simple things like having lunch with me while im at work or coming to my house and making his presence felt. He blames me for a lot of issues he has within himself ie. he has gone through depression and blames me for his anger issues. I am left with trying to deal with my own emotions of being betrayed and yearning to be wanted and appreciated. Everything in our relationship is good when I do not voice my opinions or ask questions. It is almost as he resents me. I feel as if I am carrying the weight of this relationship on my shoulders and the respect is gone. I have tried to change i know i have faults and i am not claiming to be perfect or innocent. I know the answer is simple I should not walk but run away... But how do I when I have this fantasy in my head of what this could be. Even after all he has put me through I love him and still have hopes that he will change. How do I make him see my side and view on the relationship?
By Naakiddoo 9 years ago :: Dating
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