Lets stray from the dog for a bit.... :)

Ok- this is quite different and possibly a little more serious than alot of the questions I have seen posted on here..not that those arent important to those people but I just...I dont know...I guess just read...
Alright so-
My boyfriend, Nick, of 3 years is a heroin/methadone/xanax addict. He was shooting heroin everyday for years and is now on methadone... which he takes too many of while also abusing the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. This makes him extremely incoherent and most times unconscious. Now I WAS also an addict. I used many times with him in the PAST... But I went to rehab, I got clean, I am in the extremely hard process of getting my life together, I have cut ties with everyone I knew who uses (including my parents who are both alcoholics and addicts).... I want to live..and have fun...and have a family one day and just have a good life basically. Keep in mind i am only 21 and Nick is only 20. So we do have a relatively long life ahead of us if we do it right.
The problem here is that I care more about him than anything in the world, and I have stuck by him thru everything including him being in jail for a year, him having a felony warrant after leaving the court ordered rehab he went to and having the cops come kick my door down at my apartment to look for him-and arrest him. He just recently (in these past few weeks) took care of all that..he went back to jail for 9 days and that took care of his warrant, probation, everything, hes done. So obviously, to me, i think that the next step is to get off the drugs..which i know is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and will most likely be the hardest thing hes ever done...but he has to do it just like i did.
Every time I bring this up, he gets very mad very quick. Its like im just being stupid and annoying. I feel like he loves drugs more than me. Hes always sick because of this methadone use, and then when hes taking them the right way and feeling normal and fine , he has to focus all his time and energy on finding some money and a ride to go get Xanax to get high on. Keep in mind that he lives in MY apt. that I PAY FOR. I lost my job recently because we moved to this apartment in fenton (moved from madison heights) and i do not have a liscence because of some stupid sh*t that happened long ago when i was high. So i had to quit my job to get this great apt with him. I only did so because he promised he had a few jobs lined up to pay our rent and everything... these jobs never happened. We have now been living there for about 4 and a half months and have almost been evicted every month for the past 3 months. we have NO MONEY and NO JOBS. I have had to ask my broke a*s dad to pay my rent until i can pay him back. Nick has not payed a single dollar of ANYTHING (food, utilities, rent...nothing) and since i do not let him use and drugs besides his normal dose of methadone everyday at my apt. he goes home to "visit his parents" which is code for "i want to get them to give me money so i can get drugs and not call you for days and lie to you about it all when i get back!" which is EXACTLY what happens. Last time he left for 4 days I ended up having a miscarriage...(i did not even know i was pregnant and i do not know what cause it besides stress..) I called him crying my eyes out all night long and all day the next day and he never answered because he was too messed up and just didnt wanna deal with me i guess. So i couldnt go to the doctor, nothing, because i have no liscence so my car is not even at the apt. And I dont know, I could go on with these stories for days, but i doubt anyone will read all that, :), so im gonna end this here in saying, I just really really need some good advice, PLEASE! Now I KNOW everyone is just gonna say " you need to leave him NOW" but please understand first, I LOVE HIM more than ANYTHING in the world. And when he is normal, he is the most loving, caring guy i have ever known existed...he loves me so much and tells me all the time. But when I bring up him quitting, even just trying to lower the methadone a bit, it all goes horribly wrong and its like he hates me and just wants to be left alone with his drugs for the rest of his life. But whenever I try to leave for a while, he cries and sayd how much he loves me. He does tell me that he really wants to get off the methadone, but hes just really really scared to. Which i can totally understand. But its not just that. Everything can be going great and we can be curled up in bed kissing and then he can get a call from someone asking if he wants to buy whatever drug they have at the time... heroin, xanax, coke, crack, anything, he has done and will do it all. But I just really really really love him and dont want to just leave him, i know that i will be extremely unhappy if that happens and we had planned on getting married and being together forever but I dont see how that can happen like this.... I mean we could never have kids in this situation...its horrible. I love him so much but he makes me so sad and i cry all the time. I just spend my everyday trying to do whatever i can just to make him happy...by bringing him food, watching movies with him cuddled up all day, anything he wants.. I just keep thinking that maybe if i do more to make him happy, then he'll be just happy enough with me and wont need to do all the dope anymore.... I know how stupid this sounds and im not just some naive little idiot. Im just in love and i dont know what to do....
By LandN 15 years ago :: Dating
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