My boyfriend's housemate is inconsiderate and rude, should I be allowed to stand up for myself?

This is going to be LONG!

My boyfriend has lived in a house with two other housemates for the past year. One is great, the other is your text-book problem housemate; doing all the standard things like eating other people's food, breaking their things and not replacing them, making huge amounts of mess and leaving them for others to clean up, not doing his chores for inspections, leaving his cat there (unfed, indoors, dirty litter tray) for several days (multiple times) while he goes on holidays, not paying bills on time, not paying bills at all, using all the hot water, making huge amounts of noise at inconsiderate times (before 7am, after 10pm)... etc.

Both my boyfriend and the decent housemate can't stand this behaviour, but both are very non-confrontational people so they avoid mentioning any of these issues to him or in his hearing, beyond the initial talks they had with him - which didn't help.
The situation wasn't going to work for another year, so we decided that he would be taken off the lease agreement for the next rental term, and I would move in and take over his third of the rent. My boyfriend and I have wanted to live together for awhile, and I get on great with the other housemate, so we're pretty happy with this arrangement. If, later, we find another person to rent the extra room, my boyfriend and I can share 1 room, but we like this adjustment period and it means there isn't room for a 4th person - the problem housemate.
The problem housemate wasn't totally happy with this, and at first kept saying things like "but I thought everything was going so well!", but he should be gone in a few months.

I think I should also mention that when they all moved in together, my boyfriend made it clear that I would be around ALOT (we've been together for 4 years and keep being at the wrong stages of rental contracts to move in together) and that they needed to be ok with that. The furniture in the house is all my boyfriends or mine, and everything in the kitchen (all dinnerware, cutlery, pots and pans, cookware, chopping boards, tea towels etc) is mine. Several things have been broken, smashed, dented or otherwise destroyed by the problem housemate.
I have contributed to pre-inspection cleans; my boyfriend, my younger brother and I did a major overhaul of the garden at the landlords request without help from the others; and I generally do a lot more cleaning around the house than the problem housemate, and probably more than any of the others, too! :P

Anyway, since they have had this discussion with him, he's been trying really hard to seem like a great housemate; getting outside and trimming the edges of the lawn, pulling a few weeds, mopping the kitchen floor etc. Problem is, these are all things we already do (and expected him to do his fair share of in the first place) and even when he's trying really hard, he's STILL a horrible housemate. He's still using all the hot water, making the mess, making too much noise, and generally acting like a teenager with a mommy to clean up after him. He also hasn't made any move towards finding another place, and is acting as if he can just stay if he starts acting better, although the other two made it perfectly clear to him that he needed to be out by a certain date, and I was moving in.

The other development since they talked to him about not wanting him on the lease anymore has been his increased rudeness towards me. He has more than once in the past been pretty unforgivably rude to me, but since it's his house I have tried to keep quiet and let it pass. He has broken my things and not replaced them (although this was the agreement when I lent them all the kitchenware), he has taken my food or drink from the fridge and cupboard and not replaced anything, and he often changes the channel when I'm watching tv (not his!) or turns it off altogether.
At least once in the past he has yelled at me, until both other housemates stepped in and told him that a) he was in the wrong, and b) he had no right to yell at me regardless.

Throughout all of this my boyfriend has told me not to say anything, not to react when he's rude to me, not to mention the broken things more than once etc. I have asked him to talk to his housemate about issues (such as when he's breaking something, when he's using our things, food etc) but my boyfriend doesn't think it's my place to say anything, and is too non-confrontational to do it himself. When they first moved in together he would mention an issue, the problem housemate would go "oh, sorry, yeah I wont do that from now on" but would keep on doing it. Now my boyfriend doesn't even want to bring up issues with him, because he finds it too stressful, and is willing to just let everything slide.

In general, I can deal with that. Yes, it annoys me when he eats my food or breaks my things, but the cost of peace seems ok as compared to dealing with arguing with him over it. But recently (since they told him they wanted him to move out, and me to move in) he has been saying snide things in my presence (but not to me - he ignores me completely) that I'm finding quite offensive.
I can't tell if he's an idiot and doesn't realise, or if he's doing these things purposefully to bother me.

Last time I saw him he sat down next to where we were eating and started telling this disgusting story about going to watch an autopsy once, of a truck driver who had died in a head on collision. In detail. Please note that my older brother was killed several years ago in a head-on collision with a truck driver, and he knows this. When I mentioned that we were eating, and really didn't need to hear about an autopsy, he ignored me completely and kept talking until eventually I got up and left the room. To me, his behavior seems rude, possibly unbalanced, and definitely antisocial, yet my boyfriend will get annoyed and upset with me if I say anything rather than just leaving the room each time this happens.

I think he is inconsiderate, rude, purposefully hurtful, and in general an a$$h0l3, and I feel uncomfortable seeing my boyfriend in his own house - soon to be mine. I understand that right now he lives there, and I'm a guest in their house, but I still don't think that his behaviour in general, and his behaviour towards me specifically should go completely unmentioned.

I feel that if he is yelling at me, insulting me, breaking the things I have loaned to them, or being rude to me personally, and I have done nothing wrong, then I have every right to reply to him without my boyfriend getting annoyed at me. Heck, it'd be nice if my boyfriend would stand up for me (and himself!) in the first place.
By Jennywren 8 years ago :: Roommates
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