PARENTING/RELATIONSHIP- Am I ASKING TOO MUCH? AM I OUT OF LINE? Should I leave? AM I AS STUPID AS I FEEL : (

Prepare yourselves. This is a long read. I would go get a cup of coffee and maybe even a sugary donut to snack on when reading this : )

I am 25 years old. I just became the mother to a beautiful baby girl. I have been in an on/off relationship with my guy.

History behind our relationship: (We "officially" go together June 24th of 07 ---From what he told me, to me it was the night he got all romantic on me and we had sex, I guess you would just call it consummating?)

We met. He waited 2 months to tell me his feelings for me and then spilled his feelings for me. HE started calling me his girlfriend like, two weeks in ( We were sleeping together and I just loved spending time with him-he was a great distraction when I was dealing with some personal hardships). HE came up with the idea for me to meet his mom & introduced me to his mom in like week 3 or 4. HE wanted to go meet my dying grandma in the hospital & he did. I was with him 10 minutes after boarding my flight from AZ and got the phone call that my grandma passed away. (Her & I were very close.)

After all this-he decided to break up with me out of the blue that following October, like 5 months in to the relationship. I was devastated, and even now that seems like an understatement because I was so attached and I thought we were in love. He gives me the reason it was because I had major credit debt. I really am not sure if that was the reason but the whole thing caught me off guard. I mean, even though we were a part for only a week-it was a week of ABSOLUTE HELL. I called and called to talk to him and make it right between us. To get an answer as to why? Etc , etc. I was willing to do whatever it took. I actually think I went overboard because he had me in all sorts of stupid. (Stupid in love...etc etc) Idk, maybe, I just am...stupid. HE even called an officer to show up at my house to tell me to stop texting him or calling him. At that point, I thought,"ok I need to leave him alone-he really didn't care at all about me". I even started to wonder if maybe I was seeing things way differently than how they actually were. I mean, it waaaaaaaas a big f--ing mind f#ck. To me anyways, that's how it felt and that's how I remember it. A very unnecessarily painful time. I even went back to my other ex-boyfriend because I was so heartbroken, I thought well, this guy called the cops he doesn't care. I told my ex everything and my ex just told me how much he loved me and missed me. And some other crazy stuff I don't want to get in to. It didn't feel right but I didn't know what to do!

Anyway, my guy ends up coming back to me telling me he made a mistake after he finds out I went back to my ex to forget about the heartache he put me through. Like an idiot I believe him. (I say that only because looking back I think I was stupid.) I wanted to believe him. I was confused but willing to let it be a forever disturbing memory I will constantly try to forget.

After ALL that, I had to leave for AZ to help my mom. So I did. My guy did the most romantic things. He drove all the way out there and surprised me-he flew in! He would take me out on dates...we went to feed the ducks together at the lake with an old man I was taking care of at the time. I mean, he called me all the time...we were on the phone for hours...even had phone sex : ) [something I actually never did before!] I flew with him to go to his family members' weddings in different states. I thought we were doing great and serious---long term---like getting married too, one day. That following December he gave me a ring. We had the "talk" about how it was a promise for marriage. He was introducing me to his friends as his fiance after a while & what was strange for me was that he still called me his girlfriend around his family members. I didn't question it because I thought maybe he wasn't ready to say we were that close to his family yet....Or idk. I just didn't question him and his love for me. (Stupid, stupid, and even more stupid.)
(I don't want to gross anyone out but a little important info: At the same time I would like to also mention we were having sex almost everyday 2 or 4 times a day without protection and he would come inside of me every single god damn time. I remember telling him we needed to use protection and that I wasn't ready yet to use birth control since I didn't want the unnecessary hormones and I was going to eventually make a trip to talk to someone at a family planning clinic. I even said, its possible that I'm not fertile but to not count on it---or better yet! I even suggested we both go see a doctor to get real tested results to see how fertile we both actually were.

Well, at this time in our lives, I had moved back to CA because of the ring he gave me. I saw it as a serious commitment that I wanted to honor. His place was gross in so many different ways (which, I will leave the details to, out) So we lived in one of my mom's apartments and roommate with my older sister. I was just getting my life together. OH YAH- I can't forget to mention that the following February a day after my birthday, I get news about my Dad being in a coma in the ER in Europe. That was fun. What a great time that was. So, I left and flew for 14 hrs straight to see my Dad. What a surreal time. I remember wanting my guy to come with me, because I wanted him to be there for me. To actually meet my dad before he passed away. I'm still extremely sad about it when I remember the feelings I had. But my guy said he couldn't. That he had to stay home so he could help pay the bills. Even then at that time, even though my guy didn't come I said," Ok. It's ok. He still called me every morning (Night)...he wrote me letters about me being his soulmate." We missed each other...and I came hoe after about a month. I wish I wouldn't have. I wish I spent a little more time there but I missed my guy and I was frustrated with the situation there. The whole situation was bad.

Then to the good part. We find out I am pregnant that following summer in July. Let me say that-before we found out. I had talked to him months earlier about the what ifs on me getting pregnant. He said he would be supportive, loving and there for me. What ended up happening? Funny thing. He's ok with it for a week and then flips the f#ck out. I mean, he was telling me I did it to keep him in my life, to keep us together---as If I did it to trap him! I cannot believe the load of BS I heard coming from him. He was saying he wanted to give our baby up for adoption. He even had his own older sister talking to me and telling me how adoption would be a great option. The F#cking audacity. ( I Must not forget to mention that I am 25 and He now is 31) Well, I didn't want to hear it. I said we're doing this. Or that I was going to do this. I'm sorry-but I remember having a certain talk--- and him convincing me that we were in love and ok no matter what and how he wouldn't leave me like he did the first time he broke up with me. Well,. He got out of hand and after one night that we had a bad argument he left. So, I lived at home with my sister and worked while pregnant because we hardly had enough money to eat- since my guy split. My guy said he needed to live at his dad's house. He also said his responsibility didn't start until the baby was born. To give him credit, he did go to lamaze class...even when we were fighting. All I have to say is, while I was preggers we were on and off, because he needed space and time to think. That only broke my heart because I couldn't understand what the big deal was. I thought we were already going down the road of having a family-it just happened sooner than I expected it to. I even remember going to his house one night to talk things out because I was sick of "texting things out" with him. He ended up being in his dad's guest house with one of his friends that is a girl and someone that used to do drugs with us/him. He even said that night that he was doing drugs with her. That whole night was a bad night. ( Just as a disclaimer-yes I did drugs with him in the beginning of the relationship because I wanted to party and get away from my deep feelings but as we got more serious, I said no more, and that was like 3 months in. Why? Because I didn't want to be doing that. I didn't want that for myself or us or our relationship...even if it was considered "recreational".) When I actually was in labor-all I remember was him being on his computer and working. Not being there with me in the moment. Everyone else was but him. I remember more of us having a moment when we were in the hospital room afterwards. And even then he still had to drink. Oh yah, I can't forget to mention he drinks every night and has a VERY high blood pressure to boot. I didn't say anything to him that night because I didn't want to upset him.

Well,. There's a lot I'm leaving out I'm sure but I would like to fast forward to now. I have a hard time trusting him and believing anything he says because he has left me "high and dry" twice already. First in OCT 07 and second when we found out I was preggers in JUNE/JULY of 08. Now. We have talked about what we want for each other. I tell him what I want and he tells me what he wants is the same thing. What do I want? I want to be married-I want to be priority as well as our baby be priority. I'm in school now so I can have a better future-so I can be a better partner & mother. I don't drink. I don't go out. I hang out with my friends from time to time but nothing wild. Mostly, I have been transitioning nicely into being a mom. I still have old male friends hitting on me. I still get hit on and it baffles me. I think to myself-if I'm getting this he must sure as hell be getting it too---- especially since he goes out way more than I do and STILL goes to bars and parties with his mostly SINGLE guy friends. He still lives at his dad's house and the baby and myself only see him once or twice a week if we're lucky. The rest of the time I hardly hear from him or see him in person because he says he's working so much.

Here's my question Finally! If he's at home with his dad. And he's working 10 or 12 hour long days almost every single day. You would think he wouldn't be overdrawn in his bank accounts, right? About 5 months ago we got into an argument, (and he was giving me $125 a week but because 50% I was angry and hurt and the other 50% I was thinking he couldn't afford to help out right now with payments) and so I stopped him from giving me money to help support me and our baby. Well, just recently he tells me he was overdrawn on his bank account and was going and changing his banks because of it. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS-WHERE IS HIS HARD EARNED MONEY GOING?! I mean, hey. I'm not money hungry. I'm not. But. I did what I did and am struggling now with my mom & sister and going to school just so that we can have a future together. What I am wondering is where the hell his priorities are and why he's so broke. I thought he would be putting his money into a savings and doing what he needed to with it. And if he's so broke-how can he afford to still go out and party with his friends? And honestly, I feel like he should want to spend more time with me and our baby. What is going on? What am I missing? I feel that, maybe right now I am suffering from low self esteem or good common sense which would tell me to leave and run for the hills from this guy. I don't know anymore. I am absolutely heartbroken just even thinking that we wont work out. I really do love this guy. But the more I look at the way I'm being treated-the more I look at what his actions are saying instead of his lips-- and I feel like I'm more of an after thought to him, instead of his first thought. Does that make sense? I feel more like someone that's disposable in his life, like one of those cheap razors that comes in packs. I feel like he still lives his life as a single guy. And as for me? I am working hard to get somewhere. My life has completely changed. I want him to be apart of it and I feel like he's not. I don't feel like a couple working on things together. I feel like, more and more, my dreams of having more children with him and having a beautiful life together are floating away. Honestly, I know my heart is incredibly valuable because I am THAT honest-I do mean what I say and my actions follow. I am not a wishy washy person. I just feel that, maybe I am being an idiot for constantly wanting to make it happen with my guy. I feel like I'm chasing after his love that possibly just doesn't exist for me. For example, He has his relationship status up as "complicated" on facebook. No- I am not that childish, but ca mon! I feel like most solid couples have that the are up in a relationship and have each other tagged. Am I asking too much to be able to have that simple thing too? For God's sake I gave birth to his child! I love him and he says he loves me--wtf is sooooo complicated? If anything I think he's complicating it.

Ok maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should take some blame? idk anymore. All I know is, I want to work on building a future together. I have to say, for the most part, I have always wanted to work things out but he makes me feel incredibly unimportant and I have been feeling this way since I have been preggers. I want to feel important and see US working on our future. I don't want to be with someone that isn't 100% sure on their feelings for me. I'm scared that he will constantly say one day he loves me and the next still acting like he's single. I want to feel like we are involved with each other. What am I doing wrong? Should I give up as painful as it is and just try to live life by myself?!?! What do I do? MY heart is in it 120% of the way. I'm afraid his isn't. I'm afraid of being left high and dry for a 3rd time. What aslo mainly upset me-is that his lifestyle hasn't really changed. Like I said, he has a VERY high Blood Pressure and drinks every night. (I quit, and don't go out to bars even when invited out) HE STILL SMOKES. (I quit). He goes out with his friends (I don't go as often, I would rather invest time into US and OUR FAMILY...and + I don't have that much time to go do other things, I take care of our baby 24/7!!!) Can I also mention-I worked for a like 5 months and took the baby to work too???!!!? I mean seriously people! What do I need to do to prove my intentions and love? I want him to want to change his life and be around more. To take care of himself and his health. Things that people naturally do when they are together and have children together. Do I have a right to know what he is doing with his time and money? AM I ASKING FOR TOO MUCH? AM I OUT OF LINE?
By ChasingLove 9 years ago :: Parenting
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