How do I get the inlaws to understand there is more to my life than running after my wife all the time?
I am in a 2 year relationship with the love of my life. A (minor to us) detail is that we are lesbians, don't know if that is important in the story, but anyway...
I am almost 30 and about 10 years ago I was hospitalised for a chronic depression (untreated child depression) and I didn't have a chance to finish college back then. A few years ago, I went back to school and if all goes well, I should have my masters degree next year.
I lived alone before I met my partner and although I don't have a lot of money, and I still have the occasional anxiety attack, I consider myself a happy person.
I am living my dream because I'm being able to get a degree, I am in a happy healthy relationship and my family finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay.
But... for some reason my parents in law have a problem with the fact that I am not always with my partner. They have always seemed to like me, her mother calls me her daughter (although i feel like 'i already have a mom, thank you' but I never say that ofcourse) and when my partner was abroad for a long time for work, they invited me to family diners and always checked in on me to see if I was doing ok.
Now that she is back, everybody visits her at work (which is ok, it's usually very calm there and she works in some sort of café) but they seem irritated when they don't find me there. When my partner has her lunchbreak, she sometimes visits her parents who live nearby and again, they keep stressing the fact that I'm not there.
When we are all together for a family diner, I feel like they want us to leave as soon as the last bite is chewed and swallowed, and sometimes they even say things like: 'well, that was fun, but it's enough now, see you guys next time', That was the remark in a Pizzahut last time and they left while I still had 3 slices on my plate and was trying to get one of those doggy-bag boxes.
It's not just me though, they would have done the same if ter daugther still had food on her plate.
So i guess it's safe to say, I don't feel welcome.
On top of that, they don't seem to understand that my school is like a JOB to me. It doesn't matter that I am at home while they show up at my partners job, it's not like I'm in bed at noon or counting my toes over and over again to check if I still have all ten of them, I am working!
Lately, my sister in law is starting to show the same behavior. I like her in a superficial way, like talking about shopping or shoes, but I can't relate to her. She is 5 months pregnant, won't stop smoking or drinking. So I am polite to her and have fun with her but close my eyes for the things she does because I am not in the place to call her on it. My wife and I seem to be the only ones who think you shouldn't do those things when you're pregnant.
But even though I have never said anything bad to her, she started to make comments about me not being with my partner while she is at work, or while she drops something of at their place.
Again, I am always there for every party, family meeting, whatever, just not the moments where she pays a quick 10 minute visit. (And that happens 3, sometimes 4 times a week, usually she goes there straight from work or in her break)
Maybe I should add that my wife agrees with me, she understands my side and we do a lot of things together, but we choose to do things with just the 2 of us. I don't have the energy to make everybody happy, so my choice is to make HER happy and do things she prefers (concerts, shopping, swimming, just us.) The thing is: when she was with her mom all afternoon, she comes home and nags about it till midnight because they stressed her out with their comments. It usually ends in a fight, we cry together, we talk and again she says I'm right. But I don't want that vicious circle anymore. How can I make the inlaws understand that if they are worried about me, they should come to me? That I have a fulltime job studying. That we do a lot of things together.
Or am I wrong and should I jump up and run to them every time my wife passes by there to check if there is mail for her?
I am almost 30 and about 10 years ago I was hospitalised for a chronic depression (untreated child depression) and I didn't have a chance to finish college back then. A few years ago, I went back to school and if all goes well, I should have my masters degree next year.
I lived alone before I met my partner and although I don't have a lot of money, and I still have the occasional anxiety attack, I consider myself a happy person.
I am living my dream because I'm being able to get a degree, I am in a happy healthy relationship and my family finally came to terms with the fact that I am gay.
But... for some reason my parents in law have a problem with the fact that I am not always with my partner. They have always seemed to like me, her mother calls me her daughter (although i feel like 'i already have a mom, thank you' but I never say that ofcourse) and when my partner was abroad for a long time for work, they invited me to family diners and always checked in on me to see if I was doing ok.
Now that she is back, everybody visits her at work (which is ok, it's usually very calm there and she works in some sort of café) but they seem irritated when they don't find me there. When my partner has her lunchbreak, she sometimes visits her parents who live nearby and again, they keep stressing the fact that I'm not there.
When we are all together for a family diner, I feel like they want us to leave as soon as the last bite is chewed and swallowed, and sometimes they even say things like: 'well, that was fun, but it's enough now, see you guys next time', That was the remark in a Pizzahut last time and they left while I still had 3 slices on my plate and was trying to get one of those doggy-bag boxes.
It's not just me though, they would have done the same if ter daugther still had food on her plate.
So i guess it's safe to say, I don't feel welcome.
On top of that, they don't seem to understand that my school is like a JOB to me. It doesn't matter that I am at home while they show up at my partners job, it's not like I'm in bed at noon or counting my toes over and over again to check if I still have all ten of them, I am working!
Lately, my sister in law is starting to show the same behavior. I like her in a superficial way, like talking about shopping or shoes, but I can't relate to her. She is 5 months pregnant, won't stop smoking or drinking. So I am polite to her and have fun with her but close my eyes for the things she does because I am not in the place to call her on it. My wife and I seem to be the only ones who think you shouldn't do those things when you're pregnant.
But even though I have never said anything bad to her, she started to make comments about me not being with my partner while she is at work, or while she drops something of at their place.
Again, I am always there for every party, family meeting, whatever, just not the moments where she pays a quick 10 minute visit. (And that happens 3, sometimes 4 times a week, usually she goes there straight from work or in her break)
Maybe I should add that my wife agrees with me, she understands my side and we do a lot of things together, but we choose to do things with just the 2 of us. I don't have the energy to make everybody happy, so my choice is to make HER happy and do things she prefers (concerts, shopping, swimming, just us.) The thing is: when she was with her mom all afternoon, she comes home and nags about it till midnight because they stressed her out with their comments. It usually ends in a fight, we cry together, we talk and again she says I'm right. But I don't want that vicious circle anymore. How can I make the inlaws understand that if they are worried about me, they should come to me? That I have a fulltime job studying. That we do a lot of things together.
Or am I wrong and should I jump up and run to them every time my wife passes by there to check if there is mail for her?
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