Is There A Future For Us?
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Side 2
Side 2
Side 1 says...
I met Politico 6 years ago when we were both interns in the same building. We've been friends ever since, though we've never lived in the same city for more than a month. Our parents live in the same place, so when we visit family we often went on dates together around the holidays. Politico is smart, sensitive, and funny, so I've always liked him, though I never took our dating seriously until recently because we've always been in different places. This summer, I was in a city not far from his, so we were able to visit eachother and chat everyday. We became physically intimate for the first time, and I took this as a sign of moving towards a more serious relationship. I was crushed when I had to move back to the city where I'm finishing my last year of school and confronted Politico about where we stood and he told me that he was dating others, though I appreciated his honesty. This is complicated by the fact that two years ago he tried to initiate a relationship which I declined, because I was still in love with someone else and I didnt think it was fair to him, especially with the distance which requires a lot of trust to work. Also, the person he is dating now is a girl he met just after I told him I thought we should be just friends two years ago. She's been in a serious open long distance relationship, "hooking up" with Politico on the side. I consider myself open minded, but I'm really not comfortable with the situation. I knew about the other girl before Politico and I got together this summer, but he assured me that things were over between them, though they were still friends, When I moved back to my current city, I noticed that she posted a comment on his facebook and confronted him about continuing to see her. He told me that he didnt realize I thought we were exclusive, he didnt think that he could be in a long distance relationship not knowing when we would be in the same city again, he had wanted to be with me in the past and I had told him I didnt want a relationship and was hurt, he had his guard up, and he wasnt seeing the other girl while we were dating this summer. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. He wants to continue to be friends and if we live in the same city try a committed relationship. I feel like I saw a future with him before, but now I have so many mixed feelings about the situation. I want to trust him, to mend things, but I'm also afraid of being hurt and I already have issues about infidelity because I saw my mother cheated on a lot as a child. Is there a future for us, or is the foundation for a relationship gone?
Added by CCT7 (female)
Side 2 says...
I was cautious because I had let myself get to like CC too much in the past. I had a crush on her, and visited her in two years ago and things were very weird when I did visit. I could tell she were weirded out by the thought of me coming just to visit her. And it was at that point that she moved things towards us being just friends, which, while we did see each other again in romantic sense when I came back later, seemed to be where things were heading. And I continued to have a crush her, despite the distance, but I thought she was not interested in a relationship. I felt like she was reticent about my flirtatious advances, until finally the whole thing unraveled and she said she just wanted to kind of be friends, and that's how i took it. But, for that whole time, I felt like we were in a complicated relationship. And I didn't know what that meant exactly, I didn't think it meant that anybody was exclusive, and I still think I'm confused about the whole thing.
I'm not resentful of any of that...I believe I irrationally started to like you too much and that you reacted appropriately (generally). I felt that, after I visited this summer and we started to have a romantic relationship, that this was an extension of that first romantic relationship. More intense, yes, but still an extension of that complicated relationship. And I didn't try to clarify the relationship and what it was to either of us (just as I didn't try to clarify it before), but neither did you. To me, it was this ambiguous thing that could coalesce into something more serious...but I don't feel that it had coalesced into that...and, just as before, I didn't want to force anything to coalesce (though, before, I didn't seek clarification because I thought that it'd make you antsy about the whole thing, and I wanted to let feeling grow on your end to match mine, and now I didn't seek clarification because I thought that the act of defining what we were might also end the relationship).
I agree I should have been more upfront concerning my feelings this summer, or at least, we both should have talked more about where we saw things going or what this was. But I didn't lie to her about the other girl in May or otherwise. The other girl broke up with me. Not that she ever was my girlfriend, but she definitely wasn't my girlfriend this summer, and she's not now. But, I didn't know if CC was dating other people this summer and when we got together at first, and I don't know that I had a reason to know. It didn't seem like we were necessarily getting into a relationship. And I still didn't know what we were when she came to visit me this summer, but we should have talked about it then. And I didn't, and I should have, and I was wrong not to talk to her about where I was emotionally or how I felt about long distance serious relationships. I just didn't think things had coalesced to the point of definition. She can think it's too convenient but when we talked about her not being able to be in an open relationship before, it was not in the context of me and and her, and it didn't stick in my head. I don't know, I just did not think we had gotten to the point of exclusivity. I did not think that she was exclusive either because we didn't have enough time together to get to that point. (And, in my head, the definition of open relationship is for people who have had a serious enough relationship, for long enough to where exclusivity would be assumed (or earlier agreed upon) and the departure from that is the point of emphasis...not that people dated and were not exclusive while they dated).
I should have recognized that she liked me more than that, and I should have been more careful with her feelings, or at least explicitly talked about what our relationship was. And I should have been more careful with her feelings because I like her and value our friendship and everything else. She was not a rebound, but it was going to take awhile for me to have my heart healthy enough from my relationship with the other girl to give it all to her, which was also complicated by our prior relationship, where I was hurt. Me being hurt before was not her fault, but it was an odd relationship, and one where I don't think either of us knew what was going on. To me, this situation this year was very similar, and I had no idea what was going on. I was playing it safe. I could have just asked her, what are we? And I didn't, and I should have.
I'm really really sad if I burned the bridge, and I realize that part of that was my love life here. But I don't think we have ever been on the same page, and I think that's why she was hurt, and I'm sorry. I am. I don't know what to say. I didn't want to clarify things because I didn't think they had coalesced in a way that could survive that. And that was partially selfish, but I also thought that that's why she didn't seek clarification.
I'm not resentful of any of that...I believe I irrationally started to like you too much and that you reacted appropriately (generally). I felt that, after I visited this summer and we started to have a romantic relationship, that this was an extension of that first romantic relationship. More intense, yes, but still an extension of that complicated relationship. And I didn't try to clarify the relationship and what it was to either of us (just as I didn't try to clarify it before), but neither did you. To me, it was this ambiguous thing that could coalesce into something more serious...but I don't feel that it had coalesced into that...and, just as before, I didn't want to force anything to coalesce (though, before, I didn't seek clarification because I thought that it'd make you antsy about the whole thing, and I wanted to let feeling grow on your end to match mine, and now I didn't seek clarification because I thought that the act of defining what we were might also end the relationship).
I agree I should have been more upfront concerning my feelings this summer, or at least, we both should have talked more about where we saw things going or what this was. But I didn't lie to her about the other girl in May or otherwise. The other girl broke up with me. Not that she ever was my girlfriend, but she definitely wasn't my girlfriend this summer, and she's not now. But, I didn't know if CC was dating other people this summer and when we got together at first, and I don't know that I had a reason to know. It didn't seem like we were necessarily getting into a relationship. And I still didn't know what we were when she came to visit me this summer, but we should have talked about it then. And I didn't, and I should have, and I was wrong not to talk to her about where I was emotionally or how I felt about long distance serious relationships. I just didn't think things had coalesced to the point of definition. She can think it's too convenient but when we talked about her not being able to be in an open relationship before, it was not in the context of me and and her, and it didn't stick in my head. I don't know, I just did not think we had gotten to the point of exclusivity. I did not think that she was exclusive either because we didn't have enough time together to get to that point. (And, in my head, the definition of open relationship is for people who have had a serious enough relationship, for long enough to where exclusivity would be assumed (or earlier agreed upon) and the departure from that is the point of emphasis...not that people dated and were not exclusive while they dated).
I should have recognized that she liked me more than that, and I should have been more careful with her feelings, or at least explicitly talked about what our relationship was. And I should have been more careful with her feelings because I like her and value our friendship and everything else. She was not a rebound, but it was going to take awhile for me to have my heart healthy enough from my relationship with the other girl to give it all to her, which was also complicated by our prior relationship, where I was hurt. Me being hurt before was not her fault, but it was an odd relationship, and one where I don't think either of us knew what was going on. To me, this situation this year was very similar, and I had no idea what was going on. I was playing it safe. I could have just asked her, what are we? And I didn't, and I should have.
I'm really really sad if I burned the bridge, and I realize that part of that was my love life here. But I don't think we have ever been on the same page, and I think that's why she was hurt, and I'm sorry. I am. I don't know what to say. I didn't want to clarify things because I didn't think they had coalesced in a way that could survive that. And that was partially selfish, but I also thought that that's why she didn't seek clarification.
Added by Politico (male)
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