Can one truly trust after they have been deceived or lied to?

I have been with my current husband in December it will be 7 years. We have only been married for five months and lived together for two years.
My problem is husband can be a very good man at times and have good intentions but he has strange mood swings and one minute he is nice and supportive and loving and the next minute he can be the most mean and evil person. He has been seeing a psychologist for this. I was not aware of his mental history until we got married.
The first four years of our relationship was a constant struggle and almost strictly physical we only saw each other on the weekends to have sex. He would never open up to me and was very secretive and evasive about things he was doing in life.
We had a break up and make up type relationship for years mostly due to him and his commitment issues. For me it was always more, about my true love for him and I always wanted more of a commitment. He pushed me away for years and pulled me in when it was convenient for him. I have always felt he wasn't in it with his full heart. Even though his words would say other wise whenever I would threaten to leave him and our relationship. I believed at the time he loved me but not the way a man should love a woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
Anyway, I finally got my guts together after living with him for a year he went and purchased his EX wife's house without consulting me. To save her from foreclosure. He said after he already purchased it that it was for his son so he could stay in the school district but I know better because I found a series of email's on his laptop between him and her and how he told her not to worry about a thing and he would take care of it. He professed how much he was still in love with her. I confronted him about all of this and he said that he has felt guilty about how their marriage ended and that is why he said those things but he really didn't feel that way.
I tried to believe him and move on with our relationship and moved into this house that was theirs and then her's. It was very difficult to deal with because she had put so much of her personal touches on this house. I know that a house is just a house.
Ultimately our other problems with commitment made me make a decision to leave this horrible and strange relationship behind and I did. I moved out and got my own place. That is when he made a complete 360 and was opening up to me and sharing his feelings and professing his love for me. He proposed to me and I accepted because I felt he was really making some changes.
We got married a few months ago and I felt like things weren't right. I moved back in and it all seemed too familiar. He would do things like lock his phone which I thought was very strange. People that don't have stuff to hide don't do that. Locking his computer. My phone and computer are never locked because I simply do not have anything to hide. That is how I believe it should be in a marriage no secrets.
Well one day he left his phone on the table and I happened to pick it up and it wasn't locked for once. I found some text messages between his ex wife and him dogging me and calling me names and he was telling her that he couldn't wait to get an annulment.
This was so upsetting I confronted him and he told me that it was time to tell me the truth. We sat down and he told me that he has been corresponding with his ex wife OUR WHOLE relationship and how obsessed she is with me and she has been putting negative thoughts in his mind and saying bad things about me and that has altered his moods toward me and in result he has believed what she was saying about me.
Mind you, I do not know his ex wife. She does not know me I have never spoken to her, met her or anything. He told me that the correspondence was over and he could never go back to that and he is through with her and now we can really start our marriage without her yapping in his ear.
He said that he has been discussing this with his psychologist and she agrees that he needs to cut this woman out of his life.
At first when all of this happened he said that he wasn't going to have any contact with her and their children are old enough that they shouldn't have to correspond. Their oldest is 17 and youngest 15.
Well last week I found out that he still has been corresponding with her and now all of the sudden he doesn't think it is a bad idea.
Does anyone out there think it is possible for me to trust him again? I question every time he picks up the phone.I am extremely suspicious about everything he does.
Lately he has even tried to turn it around and say that I AM OBSESSED with her! He will make comments like I doubt she is thinking about you and us in the middle of the night!
I just need some input or advice. What should I do? I really love him deeply and want our marriage to work.
I cannot be the only one trying though. I know a one sided relationship doesn't work. His words say he wants us to work but his actions speak otherwise. Any help would be appreciated.
By tornmel 15 years ago :: Marriage
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